It was very hard. Talking about a wide range of emotions, why I do it, the negatives, the positives. Why I did it this past week.
It is such a private thing for me. She asked to see my wounds, and I didn't want to show her, but I did.
The only good part of it, besides being able to talk about it, as strange as that sounds given the fact that it was so hard and that I don't like talking about it, the only good part of it is that Dr K reacted the way I was hoping she would. She didn't yell, or scold, she wasn't judgmental. She was gentle with me, which I needed.
We did focus more on the negatives, moreso, I think, because she wants me to remember the negatives next time, before I SI.
I'm not sure how I feel about everything we talked about, I need some time to process it all. The only real problem I have is that she wants me to throw my tool away. And I don't know if I can do that.
And what's to keep me from buying a new one....
Today has not been wonderful. But I do feel a sense of relief, or something like it. Maybe sharing what I did with Dr K today will be helpful? Maybe it will help me get my head straight again where SI is concerned, because between my anger, and my depression and anxiety, and all of the emotions I'm feeling surrounding my SI'ing, my relapse into SI has been hard, and right now I'm not feeling like I want to get straight and stop.