Musings, random memories, thoughts, feelings...spillage *tw*
I can't remember what happened to me as a toddler...was it him too? I remember his face when he did it to me. Was it in the tent?
4-5 years: Mom took my cranberry juice away from me. She told me it would stop the bleeding. I had urine in my blood and she told me the problem was cranberry juice??? My juice! Why? I loved my juice.
4-5 years: I start touching myself excessively and doing really bad things to myself, my friend, my dolls.
6-7 years: Dad builds a playhouse, but it's not what it seems. He wants to play with me in the playhouse, but I don't want to play his game. I don't want to me in playhouse with him. He gets angry and tells me i'm ungrateful. What was that about? I keep remembering it over and over.
5-8 years: Running away, stealing, acting out, temper tantrums
15 years old: Dad makes me take my pants off and bend over so he can whip my naked butt with a belt. Feelings: shock, humiliation, violated.
17 years old: Waking up to Dad jerking off while he touches me.
8 years old: Dad watching me take baths with my little sister
8-17: Acting out is pointless, no one cares. Everyone will like me if I'm perfect. I'll never kiss boys, never stay out past curfew, never cuss, drink, or try drugs. I'll make good grades and take care of my little sister, bath her, give her medicine each night, pick her up from school, take her to swimming and piano. Perfect girl. Agriculture, good grades, agriculture, good grades. He never noticed. He bought me ponies and sheep, bragged to his farmers, but still at home he called me selfish, ungrateful, self-absorbed...never good enough. Successful performances, happy teachers, I'm so sweet, shy, submissive, sweet,shy, submissive. But still I was never okay I was never okay. I was everything he wanted me to be. I was perfect. And it took my life away. They sabotaged me. I make friends-sabotage. I find a crush- sabotage. Always sabotage. I just wanted to live.I just wanted to be okay for once. Everywhere I go, walking on egg shells, big pretty house filled with landmines.
He would grab my neck with his hands and lead me around like a dog and shove me around. He told me to get my head out of my butt, I was never quick enough for him...snapping fingers, always hurry hurry hurry, hop to it, too slow...smack on the rear, it shocks me and makes me cry, his eyes become red, and turn into tiny slits and his mouth would become a line and harden, sharp, cold, bitter accusations questioning my goodness,my motives, my innocence and tell me I'm full of excuses, i'm lazy, selfish, ungrateful. Pinches, guilt, "other daughter call their fathers, why don't you call me" He's gone for 2 weeks and comes home, "You're never around, you never wanna spend time with "poor ol' daddy.." guilt trips, manipulation. I'm just ungrateful, self-absorbed, slow, I don't think fast enough, I don't order food fast enough, more shoving, more pinching, patronizing, talking to me like I'm stupid, his breath quickens he's controlling me with his arms and hands moving me around quickly, pinching, snapping, fake stiff hugs, "poor ol' daddy" you need to do more, do more, do more...Mommy needs help, mommy needs you to cook dinner, start doing more, do more" "Do what I say, now" Don't go to bathroom. Stop crying! I can't take you seriously when you cry! Respect, I demand respect..poor ole daddy...I work so hard I work so long. "Will you go get me a Sunday fudge ice cream?" "Go help your mom in the kitchen more" Don't look at your phone in my presence! Don't ignore me, I'm talking to you!Don't answer the phone when your with me, don' look at it! Me Me Me! It's all about me!" "See that girl, she's got it all figured out, and she your age too! see that girl? She knows how to talk to her dad's friends, she looks them in the eye, be more outgoing like her" "See that girl your age, she has a passion, and she's confident, be more like her"...over and over...nonstop for 23 years. I'm DONE. Just over and over..no rest ever. A slow, painful death. Like birds picking my flesh to the bone. Just picking and picking and more picking.
Mom: "Admire me, please, tell me how great and wonderful I am, why are you so ungrateful, why don't you ever listen? The towels, the towels! Bring me tea in the morning, clean the kitchen with out me asking, then I'll know you love me. Why don't you love me? Please just do these things and show me you love me. The towels, the kitchen, your little sister feed her, bath her, I'm too sick, my back hurts, i'm depressed, why dont' you love me enough? Just tell me how great and am..."Mom I'm sorry, you're great, I'll be better I promise" "You don't mean it! You didn't take the trash out as soon you as you home, you don't really love me. Just bring me tea in the morning, just tell me how great and wonderful I am, you don't love me, you dont' speak my language, you dont love me, why don't you appreciate me! I do everything for you, why don't you do more for me, do more for me, do more do more do more. Prove your love, hugs aren't good enough, you can't just tell me, prove it, show it!Show you love me. Clean the garage, make dinner, clean the kitchen, deep my toilet, make my bed, don't forget tea in the morning. Admire me! Admire me! Be at my beck and call. Show you love me.." Then she yells, back me into a corner, I'm showering I'm naked she yells at me,I'm stranded I can't get out, I can't leave, she's getting red, her eyes are moving back and forth, she can't see me anymore,she just yells, wails, and cries. Over and over nonstop for 23 years.
He scoffs at my real passion to help animals to safe and protect wild animals. My one real passion that came from me, my real internal passion. And he stomps on my baby mouse, he burns the puppy i was rescuing, he stabs my bird over and over and over again till it bleeds out. My passion he stabbed, he dragged, and pulled, I saw her face being thrown into the truck, he never comforts me, he never makes sure she's buried. He killed me. He killed my spirit. Fuck him. Fuck him.
This I know. I cannot heal with him in my life. His presence is too painful and heavy. His voice is too loud.
Picking, pinching, shoving, prodding, poking me to death, never enough. Just picking at my fleshy heart, my wounds are internal.. Just slow, steady, picking. I bleed out.