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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
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I had a session with my T on Monday and then again last night.. i was upset with her.. i was upset with myself. She encouraged me to talk.. she pushed me.. i need to be pushed and I DO ASK her too but when she does and it doesnt feel comfortable i get upset..
anyway.. we normally do EMDR and I realized that we werent going too.. i was sort of miffed.. what did she expect me to do then? talk? yep....
we talked about my childhood which ive been fighting so hard to to say.. i constatly say "we're not going there" / "we can leave that in the corner" next...
When i went to her last night we talked more .. and i let go.. i just talked and talked and talked.. i was extremely random and not linear - not orderly (VERY UNLIKE ME)..this is the email i sent her today.
"Good Morning...
I feel like I talked wayyyy too much last night. Sorry about that. :(/> There were so many emotions / thoughts / feelings...
Wonder if it was the full moon... haha. I am rarely random and being THAT random and that disjointed and that all over the place with my thoughts and writings.. was very very odd.. but amazingly .. it felt good..
I just randomly wrote whatever feelings came to mind - I normally squash that and write one thing. I found it rather amazing to be that random.
On Monday I have a question for you... was any of this my fault? And if it was, thats ok.. just trying to sort that out.. I know that's not an easy question nor an easy answer. But something that I think I need to honestly hear from someone on the outside looking in. if that makes sense?
I'm ok with it being my fault... really I am. I want to own my mistakes and things I have done. And at the same time I think I am starting to look at the true ownership of everything. I was on a SOAR retreat in 2008? 2007? I can't remember .. anyway..
One of the things we came up with was "own your shit" - you own yours, I'll own mine. And the joke was if it wasn't yours, you weren't allowed to own someone elses "shit".. (hope that made you laugh) it made us laugh... the entire retreat 6 of us women had suffered sexual trauma at varying degrees. And the typical theme was "it was our fault" and the team) on day two stepped in and wouldn't let us.. it was hard.
I am afraid to let go - sounds disgusting and sad.... (with that said I will find some quiet time this weekend and print AND delete those files... that is going to be hard but I have too).
Why would I want to own it? BUT if it is my fault I do and I want to be honest and deal with that too.. And there are things that I want to tell you that I haven't yet told you that I have done that ARE my fault..
And yes.. its ok to push me ... believe it or not as much as it might sting a little - I need it. I mean that!
Well as I head in to the day to get my tasks done I just wanted to say hello and I appreciated our session even though I talked way too much... lol"
Thank you"
FELT GOOD TO SEND THAT.. wasnt expecting a response today.. but i got one.
"Good Morning,
For starters - you did not talk too much last night. It was wonderful to see you so animated. That's also why I'm not surprised to hear you aren't disturbed by reviewing some of the materials we touched upon last night.I suspect it was somewhat liberating.
I do NOT think any of the sexual abuses/assaults you endured were your fault. We can talk about this more in session if you'd like but I believe that a lot of feelings, beliefs, etc. culminated to put you in some precarious situations that resulted in you being hurt. I do not and will never believe that someone exerting any form of power or control over another person in order to hurt them is acceptable. You were not the perpetrator - you were the victim."
What did she just say???!?!?!? Did she jsut say this was not my fault???? Did I read that correctly..
I litereally sat in my office reading that and said HOLY SHIT outloud. I'm not sure how i feel about that..
I think part of me is doing freaking jumping jacks. i think part of me is throwing a freaking party right now - visions of fireworks / baloons.. cake - yep i said cake!
now to just get my heart to believe it... :(/>
anyway.. we normally do EMDR and I realized that we werent going too.. i was sort of miffed.. what did she expect me to do then? talk? yep....
we talked about my childhood which ive been fighting so hard to to say.. i constatly say "we're not going there" / "we can leave that in the corner" next...
When i went to her last night we talked more .. and i let go.. i just talked and talked and talked.. i was extremely random and not linear - not orderly (VERY UNLIKE ME)..this is the email i sent her today.
"Good Morning...
I feel like I talked wayyyy too much last night. Sorry about that. :(/> There were so many emotions / thoughts / feelings...
Wonder if it was the full moon... haha. I am rarely random and being THAT random and that disjointed and that all over the place with my thoughts and writings.. was very very odd.. but amazingly .. it felt good..
I just randomly wrote whatever feelings came to mind - I normally squash that and write one thing. I found it rather amazing to be that random.
On Monday I have a question for you... was any of this my fault? And if it was, thats ok.. just trying to sort that out.. I know that's not an easy question nor an easy answer. But something that I think I need to honestly hear from someone on the outside looking in. if that makes sense?
I'm ok with it being my fault... really I am. I want to own my mistakes and things I have done. And at the same time I think I am starting to look at the true ownership of everything. I was on a SOAR retreat in 2008? 2007? I can't remember .. anyway..
One of the things we came up with was "own your shit" - you own yours, I'll own mine. And the joke was if it wasn't yours, you weren't allowed to own someone elses "shit".. (hope that made you laugh) it made us laugh... the entire retreat 6 of us women had suffered sexual trauma at varying degrees. And the typical theme was "it was our fault" and the team) on day two stepped in and wouldn't let us.. it was hard.
I am afraid to let go - sounds disgusting and sad.... (with that said I will find some quiet time this weekend and print AND delete those files... that is going to be hard but I have too).
Why would I want to own it? BUT if it is my fault I do and I want to be honest and deal with that too.. And there are things that I want to tell you that I haven't yet told you that I have done that ARE my fault..
And yes.. its ok to push me ... believe it or not as much as it might sting a little - I need it. I mean that!
Well as I head in to the day to get my tasks done I just wanted to say hello and I appreciated our session even though I talked way too much... lol"
Thank you"
FELT GOOD TO SEND THAT.. wasnt expecting a response today.. but i got one.
"Good Morning,
For starters - you did not talk too much last night. It was wonderful to see you so animated. That's also why I'm not surprised to hear you aren't disturbed by reviewing some of the materials we touched upon last night.I suspect it was somewhat liberating.
I do NOT think any of the sexual abuses/assaults you endured were your fault. We can talk about this more in session if you'd like but I believe that a lot of feelings, beliefs, etc. culminated to put you in some precarious situations that resulted in you being hurt. I do not and will never believe that someone exerting any form of power or control over another person in order to hurt them is acceptable. You were not the perpetrator - you were the victim."
What did she just say???!?!?!? Did she jsut say this was not my fault???? Did I read that correctly..
I litereally sat in my office reading that and said HOLY SHIT outloud. I'm not sure how i feel about that..
I think part of me is doing freaking jumping jacks. i think part of me is throwing a freaking party right now - visions of fireworks / baloons.. cake - yep i said cake!
now to just get my heart to believe it... :(/>
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My first blog post... wow wow wow!
on Nov 29 2012 10:50 AM
Good on you for talking and writing that email, your T sounds pretty good and understanding