I insisted on my husband coming home from work in order to be with me because I was scared to be in my apartment alone.
My home was broken into about 2 months ago and I was sexually assaulted and almost raped. Thank Heavens I was not, but my intruder took more from me that night than I ever thought possible. He took my sense of security, my peace of mind. Before, I have never had any problems sleeping alone. My husband has worked the night shift for the past 3 years we have been together and I have always been alone. Now. I can't stand it. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I never feel safe. I have a 61 pound guard dog who sleeps on the bed with me and barks at every little thing, but I still don't feel safe! I have no control over my emotions and it makes me so upset! I am so depressed. I am confused, hurt, vulnerable, weak and just all around mad.
I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so bad for my husband because we were only married for about a month before this happened and I feel like I am not the same person he married. I am so screwed up inside. I feel lost. Whenever I go to the store, I feel like I have to look as disgusting as possible so no one would even look at me twice and think things about me.
I have contemplated everything....to drinking, using drugs, cutting myself. Anything to take my pain away. Some days, the pain is so unbearable. But I also made my husband a promise a long time ago, I would NEVER do something like that. And I don't need to bring any more tension to our relationship.
All in all. I feel dirty. I fee disgusting. And I don't know what to do.