awaiting the turn of the tide
it's been a stressful couple of months now, i was diagnosed unexpectedly with HPV and cervical dysplasia this past december over in New York, i got a second opinion from another gyne dr in jersey and then realized that yes, the diagnosis wasn't going to change, got some follow up treatments after that...yet, my recent pap showed abnormality again this past june! so another trip to get a second biopsy and that's what i am awaiting this week: results to see where i'm at...what pissed me off most is that at my age, i should have been at the dr's for baby checkups, to monitor a pregnancy-i am not married, i don't have any kids yet-and the only thing that i can conclude is that i contracted this virus from my perpetrator-because though i have been intimate with ex's, i have been cautious, used protection-the thing that got me is that no matter how far i have come in my life, with respect to not have killed myself, become addicted to drugs, alcohol, this abuse and its abuser somehow follow me around in different ways, it's like the past never completely leaves you, though you affirm to leave it! and recently, i have had my other cousins that are constantly inviting the pedophile at their family events-i am sure my cousins are aware of why my family hasn't been in touch with him-he's my mom's youngest brother-
i have only experienced humiliation upon humiliation-i had a really bad weekend where i couldn't stop crying and i was really a mess-just this disbelief of damn, why is this happening again? ie, the re-exposure to this man? this animal? as i mentioned in my 1st blog, i met him after 13 yrs at another relative's wake/funeral-that was really tough on me-it is a question that i asked a few years ago to my other uncles: what happens when it's time to get married, to be buried? and they didn't say a word! well, it was obvious that they will not support me or my family because to them honoring a brother, despite the fact he should be in jail rather than some church pew attending a wedding is more important to them to look like a big happy family! well, i cut my ties this weekend for good! i am not returning phone calls to idiot cousins of mine, i blocked their email id's, i deleted them as contacts on my messenger systems and it feels DAMN GOOD!
I am awaiting results to my biopsy this week and i can only pray that it isn't serious-i have miles to go in this journey of life-i am blessed by own immediate family who has supported me every step of the way-my dad still has to walk me down the aisle, my mom still has to be there to play with her first grandchild, my brother has to scuffle around playfully with his nephews and nieces and go shoot pool with his brother in law-who i have to still find in this big world of ours! i am sure my other half is out there somewhere...
in the meantime, i am glad this is my haven of support and continued understanding!
thank you all!