Today's not good

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Today's not good

04 July 2010

Posted by amandaunderthepink

I am tired all the time. I never sleep. I hear his voice every night. I try to keep it all together and I can't. I feel myself slowly sinking...going under. I am afraid to sleep on my stomach now. Every time I flip over , I hear him telling me to hold my breath, feel him entering me. I hear myself screaming"Oh GOD,stop, it hurts, youre hurting me. I hear him say "Whatever", then feel his hands pulling my hair down to his crotch.

Will I ever feel sane? Will I ever be normal??
I still feel attracted to men..and I am ashamed that I do. I still have a sex drive, but feel ashamed that I do.

What happened to me, I did not want. I slept with him willingly, but when he started getting me to do things I wasn't sure about, and I got nervous.

I want to fall in love. I used to be a happy woman, always perky and nice to every one. Now, I'm jaded. I always look over my shoulder. I am scared of men. I have a male supervisor and a male boss. How on earth can I function on my job??

I'm not the same as I was. I miss me. Will the real Amanda please come back? The girl that was happy and perky?? I really miss her and want her back. All i did was move out on my own. I never wanted to be raped.
I thought my first time would be special. Now I am scared of sex. I thought It wouldn't be how it was.
How long will it take me to move on??

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2 Comments On This Entry

I am really sorry about how you're feeling, but I can relate to what you're saying and think it's a perfectly normal reaction. I don't know if we can ever be the exact same as we were before we were raped, but I think with time you will get to the point where you can be okay with yourself again. I also don't think there is a time frame for that, but you have to take each day as it comes.
you don't have to be ashamed for having a sex drive, that is a normal, human thing. But I can understand your being afraid of sex, of men. I don't really have an answer for that because I don't trust men, either, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
I am thinking of you.

rebekkah, 04 July 2010 - 07:19 PM

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your blog is truly heartbreaking

as i can realtae to some of your blog but not all
no rape victims truly know if they'll ever be the same
but all we can do is keep owere head up and look owere fear in the eye
as so do u, i too have a fear in men and still have that sexual drive towards them
its just the way we fill and we cant change it
i just want to thank you 4 sharing your story
it helps people like me know that im not alone out there
your blog is inspiring and look foward to see your blogs in the future
best of luck to u and your loved ons

mur, 04 July 2010 - 07:55 PM