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20 October 2012
Moving on, thats what everyone keeps telling me. Just move on. But i can't just move on! I cant move on from what happened to me, i cant move on from losing my child, and i cant move on from losing the man that i created her with. I dont understand why he has such a hold on me, why any of these men have a hold on me. It stings, my heart, every time the thought of them come up. I just want to scream, sometimes just the thought of them brings me to tears. I want to know if these people understand what they have done to me, how it feels to live in this body, this skin every day of my life, knowing that they are walking around free of any burden. I want to know if my baby girl blames me for what happened, if she knows how much i cared, if she knows that if i only knew he was lying to me about everything she would be here. I want to know if her father understands how much pain he has put me through, how it feels to lose a child, how it feels knowing that everything i put into that relationship was a lie, knowing that my heart is still connected to someone that i dont even know. I spent almost an entire year of my life lying next to a stranger, and now i dont even know if he is alive. I pretend every day that i have moved on, that he has become nothing to me, but i know that if he were to ever walk through that door again i would run to him. I dont understand why, perhaps its because he is all that i have left of her. Not feelings her precense here with me each day is something that i cant bare. Not knowing the sound of her laugh, the feel of her touch, or the sweetness of her smile. I can't just move on. I refuse to just move on. I want to be free of this pain, and hate. It wears on my body until i have no more to give, i just want to wake up one day and not have a care in the world. But that wont happen until i move on, and that cant happen because its a part of me now.
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