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Appointment disappointment

Posted by bellachai , 27 October 2012 · 104 views

I received a phone call right at 8am Thursday from the woman who teaches DBT. She stated that she has not called cuz there had been a death in her family so she is behind and a new module won't be starting for another two weeks or so. She wanted to know if I still wanted to participate in DBT. She would call me before it starts. Yeah okay her family death trumps my close encounter with death, I get it and am sorry for her. I know since my dad's death what that is like.

I arrogantly thought Oh my letter was read by the psychiatric PA and someone got chewed out and progress. Wow who did I think I was anyway?

I received a phone call from the psychiatric PA early last night. She read my letter and then gave it my now ex-therapist and it probably was her that asked the woman to call me about DBT so she would not have to call me. After all she washed her hands of me.

The psychiatric PA feels that since my blood thinner medication is affected by many other medications such as antianxiety and antidepressant medications she feels that my physican that monitors my blood thinner medication should be the one to prescribe my antianxiety and antidepressant medications. What is different now than the year she prescribed them when I was on blood thinners? This was not an issue with her then. I was only off the blood thinners for 5 weeks. At anyrate I won't need another appointment with her for meds check up. What happens now if all three of my doctors don't feel comfortable prescribing mental health meds without conducting therapy sessions?

I tried to tell her that just prior to my latest episode in ICU I felt as if I was improving mentally and emotionally while finally at least maintaining my physical health and then got the wind knocked out of me and fell to the bottom of the hill again. She told me that everyone on the face of the earth have life challenges to cope with on and off throughout their lives and they deal with them and move on. So I am not alone with challenges to deal with.

I softly said I would not wish the last 4 years of my life on anyone. Thanked her for calling and she told me to use the crisis number if I ever needed it and she wished me well.

There was no mention of my increased dermatillomania as a coping skill so I guess it is okay with them if I pick at myself until I bleed to death and being on blood thinners it should be so much more easier for me to accomplishment that.

I do not appreciate her condenscending manner and I am not sure I wish her or my ex-therapist well in return. I think I have been properly dissed and dismissed.

I wonder if all this counermands all or some of the therapy I have received in the last 4 years? I feel afraid to trust any of it at the moment. I feel bewildered and stupid as well.

I am however going to go to the DBT classes and hope my physical health does not interfer until I have finished the entire course.

I did not sleep much last night. A dream woke me. I recieved a phone call and the voice at the other end said hello by my first name. I recognized the voice and will probably recognize it even if I live to be 110 and totally demented. His voice so seductive and warm. But that soul mate left me. I could not follow him on the path he chose. I miss him still and it is disturbing to be reminded of that loss.

My life has been mostly loss. Is that how everyone's life is like?

Therapy I thought would help me process therefore getting rid of my betrayal and abandonment issues stemming from my CSA. But right now I am once again feeling betrayed and abandoned.

Blessings to all here

Oct 27 2012 01:05 PM
Bella, I'm sorry to hear you were hurt and insulted; that is very disappointing to hear, especially since it is coming from a profession that is supposed to help and not hurt people. I don't think it negates the positive you did gain from therapy in the last four years, but do think it re-ignited the feelings of abandonment and betrayal you have struggled with, which is why you are now questioning how effective therapy was. Just think about where you were four years ago and where you are now: you are a stronger person who is no longer afraid to look at the darkness in your life, walk into it, and realise others' reactions and actions weren't your fault.

I'm glad to hear you will be going to the DBT classes and continuing with therapy despite the latest disappointment. You may not trust any of it right now, but keep going ahead. You deserve to heal.

Also, to answer your question: I also think my life has been marked with mostly loss, so I definitely relate to that feeling.

Take care of your-self.
Oh bella its no wunder you are feeling dismissed. it.s so frustrating i no. i just wanted u to no am here an.d listening and we not going anywher xx

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