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Bad Days

Posted by thisisjay , in Family, School 15 November 2013 · 281 views

My life is a fucking stressful mess right now. I'm in the process of applying to grad schools, while simultaneously juggling being a full time student, my part-time job, 2 volunteer gigs, an internship, and my ever present past had been rearing its ugly head in my mind recently. 
Just when my life seems like it's coming together, something goes wrong and things start to fall apart. I took the GRE last week and have received my scores. They're not great, not near what I need them to be. I don't have time before application deadlines to retake the test. I don't even know what happened. I'm a great student. I always do well. I guess the pressure was too much.
You see I really need to get into grad school, not only because it's the only way to get the career I want but because I need to get away from my family. They are killing me slowly from the inside out and I can't stand to be here around them. I've been telling myself I have less than a year left with them because then I'll be off to one of the distant grad schools I'm applying to, but now I'm not sure that will happen. 
My T has also been pushing me harder. She has been getting my to dive deeper during our sessions. This has caused me to think about him more than I already do. He's been popping into my head a lot recently, causing me to be depressed for days. I skipped my last session (it was on my birthday) and I spent the last one refusing to talk about anything stressful because my GRE test was the next day. Now I'm wishing I could talk to her. 
I'm trying to think of good things and keep my hope for the future I want alive, but it's so hard. My life feels like one long bad day.

Wow. After reading this, it feels like you said what I have been wanting to say for pretty much most of this past year. Thank you for sharing this and I am sorry that you are feeling this way.


I understand why you did not want to talk about the hurtful memories and events because of your test. I see it as "just give me a break since so much is going on with school, etc." 


Something that I am still learning and you should try as well is, what T tells me, to reward yourself. Walking. Running. Writing (journaling helps a lot).


Hang in there. Take care of yourself too.

Trigger Warning

I am not censoring anything I say in this blog so please be careful when you read it.

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