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Early morning anger outburst :/

Posted by dragonfly218 , 10 September 2013 · 103 views

Last night my boyfriend came over to spend the night. He brought ice cream and subway, was sweet and caring like always. We watched dumb tv shows, laughed, and cuddled. I bought us tablets about a week ago and I get nervous sometimes that he's talking to other women or trying to "pull one over on me". This I know comes from my abandonment issues as a child and being hurt by men. I know he would never do anything to hurt me. He cares for me deeply and loves me. He's shown me what a real loving relationship is and I love him with all of me. So, I've been doing really well with asking for reassurance and telling him the thoughts that pop into my head....if I don't share them, I FREAK OUT after a few days of keeping it inside. So, I asked for reassurance and he was patient with me. Everything was fine until I started writing up the details of my first rape in the military. Something changed in me.

We went to bed and I stayed awake for hours wondering if he was just tricking me. If he was saying all of these things and being amazing, but really he's messing around and I'm missing it somehow. I realized that those thoughts were irrational and that he only wants me, but I talked myself into looking at his tablet. After all, I bought it, right? *Rolls eyes* So I look and he was looking at these pictures of a girl he knew from college and it sent me into a rage. In my state of mind, I was thinking I'm not good enough for him, THAT'S the kind of woman he wants, he probably slept with her and wants to again, I'm a piece of shit, I'm ugly, I'm being tricked!!! Again, none of those things are true, but it felt very real and true. At 3am I woke him up and asked him about it. He said he was seeing what she was up to...I didn't like that either and said a lot of really hurtful things and screamed/swore at him. Then I threw his tablet against the wall and the screen shattered/came off. He was angry and was going to leave because he thought I wanted him to, but everytime I'm in a rage like that and I hit something or throw something, it snaps me back to reality. I told him I didn't want him to leave, so he stayed and we cried. We went back to bed but didn't talk or touch until around 7:30am when we finally cuddled again.

It had been a few weeks since my last outburst. He knows about my borderline personality disorder and ptsd. I just can't believe he's so patient and caring. It's hard to believe that someone really loves me and that I AM good enough. I love him so much, I don't like it when I'm like this. I put in a claim to get him a new tablet and I'm asking my therapist about her DBT group and anger management tomorrow. Oh, plus, I was so intensely angry I didn't know how to handle it. That's when I throw something or punch a wall. This time when he left my room, I punched myself three times and now I have a black eye. That's really embarrassing to say because it makes me sound insane, but I swear I'm not. I've been self destructive for a long time. Anyway, just needed to get that out. I feel a little better.

August 2014

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