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My first entry :)

Posted by rainfall , 13 June 2013 · 100 views

Today is my birthday. I'm not a big fan of special days for "new beginnings" and stuff, I actually dislike New Years (might have something to do with me being terrified of the thought of drunk people with fireworks). But this acutally feels like one, and it feels nice. I feel like I'm leaving my teenage years behind me and stepping into my twenties, that are going to be so much more awesome. The last ten years have been filled with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self harm, and even suicidal thoughts, but now I'm leaving that behind me.

I've recently been thinking a lot about the panic attacks I've been having this spring. I thought they were mostly caused by alcohol, but last weekend at a friend's party I realised that it's not actually the alcohol, it's my drunk friends. They have a tendency of being really inappropriate when they're sober too, but when they're drunk, they can barely talk about anything not relatied to sex. We always end up playing games like thruth and dare or never have I ever, or people just randomly groping each other. I remember feeling a bit uncomfortable with this last fall, but after I started talking about the sexual assault last winter it's like something just clicked inside me, and I've been having panic attacks regularly ever since. I talked to a friend about this yesterday, and she seemed to understand. I'm glad that I at least know what's been causing most of the panic attacks, so that I from now on can try to avoid those situations.

In therapy I've also lately talked about growing up with my dad who suffers from bipolar disorder. He's been in and out of the hospital my whole life and always been a bit scary and unpredictable, so this is also a pandora's box part of me wish that would have stayed closed.

Congrats on starting you blog!

July 2016

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