Day 87: Female/Female CSA **trigger warning**
It was a difficult day today. I struggled mightily with ongoing physical manifestations of anxiety (of anger). Another part of my story has been pushing to the surface. I ignored it successfully for a good while now.
On another subject, one of the topics that came up at work today was using a specific approach to gynecologic care that allows for social support among patients. It was nearly enough to make me run out of the room. I had to hold onto my chair. I will have to write about this, perhaps tomorrow.
But I digress, it's time for me to talk about F/F CSA I experienced as a child.
This is a part of my story I have only discussed for the first time this week. I have barely been able to even think about it. Up to this week I have been able to admit I experienced F/F CSA, but not say anything about it. I only remember bits. They were two isolated incidents. I was very young (6/7/8 years old). I'm not sure exactly what year (or years). I remember what city we lived in. I remember the bedrooms where these incidents happened. I remember what they did and a little bit about what I did, how I reacted.
These incidents might be deemed as innocent, child development. That idea terrifies me because they were so upsetting and confusing to me. It feels important to reiterate the fact that I was raped by a male babysitter around this same time in my life. Even though my memories are not clear, I believe the rape happened first. I have often wondered if the girls who SA'd me were also victims of this baby sitter. It seems we were all located in a completely sexualized environment.
I never spoke a word about these two incidents because by this point my good/bad detector was broken. I couldn't tell what was acceptable and what was unacceptable. I was never protected or believed. My feelings never mattered to my parents. Telling them something was wrong was a big mistake! When these incidents happened I began to believe the world was full of people who would violate your body or make you do things that were upsetting and confusing. I began to accept that this is just how the world is.
I don't remember doing anything to instigate either of these incidents. I don't believe either of them were in any way my idea.
**Trigger Warning for Sexual Content behind spoiler**
I have for many years wondered about my sexual orientation, but I never let myself explore it in any way. Of course, I have feared society's rejection. But, more than that, I have these frightening, confusing experiences that made me want to keep my distance from women. Even though in my life two men raped me and another sexually abused me for years, I could deal with having sex with men. I think if I allowed a woman to touch me in that way I would need her. I would want her to be near me and in my life. With men, I can take them or leave them. They're great for the moment, but I don't need them.
But, with women I might feel a lot more emotionally. I might not be able to shut down my emotions because I feel more naturally connected to women. This is one of the reasons I wonder if I could have a romantic relationship with a woman. It's the idea that I see myself opening my heart to a woman, not just my body. With men, my heart is closed.
This is all the more complicated because of my mother's abuse and neglect. Do I just want a mom? Is that what makes me feel drawn to women? Am I just looking for someone to provide safe, nurturing touch? I sexualize the idea because I always sexualize the idea of touch?
I feel awful that I have no idea. And, worse than that, I could be susceptible to falling into a relationship with a woman just to sort out these questions. It would be hurtful and it would be a mistake. If I am to ever actually fall in love, I need to achieve more healing and have some answers to my questions.
My F/F CSA history combined with my mother's abuse and neglect has me all confused about touch: which is where the words in this post came from.
This situation makes me feel lonely; and fear I will live out my life without ever experiencing romantic love.