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Trigger warning for mention of SI and suicidal thought.
I've been struggling again, with urges to SI, and thoughts of suicide. Yesterday, I kept thinking, it's time, I'm done. And my mood keeps fluctuating between depression and anxiety. Some of my anxiety has been pretty horrible.
Dr K has been working with me on my anxiety. And my depression, but we are focusing on my anxiety. Which has been different lately.
I used to have anxiety attacks mainly when I was triggered. Lately, I've been having them for no apparent reason. They just seem to come on with a vengeance.
I have been trying to write more. I think I'm having some success as far as that goes. Today, I wrote a poem. Here it is.
To not die
The bullet between my teeth
I bite down
Jaw clenched hard
To stifle the scream
To hide the pain
I bite down
My mouth fills
With the venom
With the poison
With the bitter taste
Of all I feel
Of all I believe
Of all of the pain
Of living every day
On the outside
I am smiling
On the inside
I am drowning
As I struggle to stay afloat
As I struggle to survive
As I struggle to not cut
As I struggle to not bleed
As I struggle to not die
I've been struggling again, with urges to SI, and thoughts of suicide. Yesterday, I kept thinking, it's time, I'm done. And my mood keeps fluctuating between depression and anxiety. Some of my anxiety has been pretty horrible.
Dr K has been working with me on my anxiety. And my depression, but we are focusing on my anxiety. Which has been different lately.
I used to have anxiety attacks mainly when I was triggered. Lately, I've been having them for no apparent reason. They just seem to come on with a vengeance.
I have been trying to write more. I think I'm having some success as far as that goes. Today, I wrote a poem. Here it is.
To not die
The bullet between my teeth
I bite down
Jaw clenched hard
To stifle the scream
To hide the pain
I bite down
My mouth fills
With the venom
With the poison
With the bitter taste
Of all I feel
Of all I believe
Of all of the pain
Of living every day
On the outside
I am smiling
On the inside
I am drowning
As I struggle to stay afloat
As I struggle to survive
As I struggle to not cut
As I struggle to not bleed
As I struggle to not die
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This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.
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*hugs* if okay.
I'm sorry you can relate. Thank you for the hugs, and hugs for you too.