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Posted by chelirach , 24 March 2012 · 79 views

I feel like nothing is ever going to change, like nothing is ever going to be any different. I feel like it isn't getting any better, like it is never going to get any better. I am tired, emotionally tired, I am tired of being me, I am tired of feeling like a complete freak, a reject, I am tired of how much I hate myself. This isn't going to change.

The problem is that I am the problem. I am just broken. I was born broken, I was born damaged, I was never something anyone could love. My parents didn't. I was not something they wanted, I was a burden, a problem. I I feel stuck, I feel trapped, I feel like this is always going to feel this way. It always has and I cannot imagine it changing. 2 and a half years of deep analysis and I still feel deep down inside that I am just inherently bad.

I have no worth, no value, and even trying to think I might was wrong. I went there, tried to value myself, tried to love myself, and I come back to the same place, the same reality.

I wish I could go back to holding it all inside, I wish I could go back to when no one knew. That was hell, but it was my own private hell, no one else could get in, the walls were unbreakable. I wish I had never let them down. I wasn't supposed to.

Wow...I understand. I could have written your post myself. I have so many of those same feelings. Hang in there. Everyone tells me it will get better. You may not feel like it now, but you deserve to hold on. You're not broken and you have great worth to me. Wish I had a magic wand to take away all the bad stuff...

We'll get there.
I believe this is how you're feeling right now because I've been in this terribly painful place. Somewhere inside of you I think there is a voice trying to speak out that these statements are not true! I pray you will this voice soon my friend. The voice that tells you it is the abuse talking about you being inherently bad and broken. The voice trying to be heard over years of messages sent by family who ignored your pain, teachers who did not see your abuse, the little girl you were trying to be brave. Sit quietly and listen for this voice. It speaks the truth. You are loved by many, you have great value simply because of who you are, healing is cyclical. Lean on us while you rest and listen for your voice.

Much love! :hug: :hug: :hug:
Mar 24 2012 02:46 PM
I am sitting with you, chelirach.
Thanks for adding me as your friend again.
I just want you to know that a year after I left the site while I was trying to heal, I remembered you. You looked out for me, wished me happy birthday, and gave me a lot of support. You are worth something, and you've been part of my healing journey. I definitely understand what you're feeling. About once a month, I get really depressed and feel stuck, and it's awful. But you should know that your friendship definitely did have meaning, at least to me.
Here's hoping to unstuckness. :bee:
i hear you, and understand. (((cheli))) sitting with you if you like. sorry i don't know what to say. i feel much the same. sorry you are hurting so much at the moment.
Hi chelirach,
I sympathize with you here, I really do.
The self hatred, the feeling stuck, feeling of no worth or value, feelings of being born broken. I have used those words that you have, word for word, literally.
I am not trying to dismiss how you feel at all, not in the least. It's a difficult place to be, and that's putting it lightly.
The only reason I say this is because I think it's very interesting that we being survivors, have often had the same reaction, the same feelings of pain in many ways.
We are survivors and just for that fact, just for the fact that you are here, talking, sharing and expressing is of intrinsic value within itself. You are an amazing person. I know I don't know you, but I don't have to to know what I say is true.
I feel for you, and I am so so sorry that you had to go through what you have, and if you ever need a listening ear, you'll have it.
I sincerely hope you are not still in this dark place. I am in that place often myself. I am sorry for your pain. You have great worth to me with your wisdom, honesty and caring.

I am thinking of you. Blessings
Sorry i have not responded to this, I have not really been able to come back and read these until now. But thank you all for these responses, and the kindness and compassion. It is not something I am used to and it means the world to me

June 2015

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