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18 March 2012
I've calmed down a lot since the last time I was on the forums. I'm going to try and talk all of my frustrations out with my therapist over the phone or maybe in person if I can still go back to therapy. When I have a really hard time understanding how I feel and what I want to say I resort to an unnecessary amount of anger, which only hurts me in the end. I can't keep having such severe mood swings or locking myself up. I don't think they'll ever go away completely. Deep down I know I let myself stray away from therapy because I'm super defensive and getting close to someone isn't easy for me. I stated that in the beginning of sessions and hopefully she understands why I've been ignoring appointments and phone calls. Something else I need to address to others in my life is HOW important it is for me to work my feelings out with a professional. No more excuses, no more letting other people make my decisions for me. It's strange, but changing the way I deal with things even if it is for the better has scared me more than the possibility of never learning new and better coping skills. It's comfortable staying stagnant and afraid, also a learned condition.. This is a self diagnosis, pretty sure I'm manic-depressive. One week everything is great no matter what happens, next week I can't get out of bed. It feels like it's impossible to grow as a person when uncontrollable mood swings happen for the slightest reason, or no reason at all.
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