I told my story to many councilors, doctors, and people who don't understand my pain some strangers some peers. Last year I was touched by my best friend. He was someone I trusted someone I cared about, but instead he used me. When he touched my breast I wasn't sure what to do. The midnight blue blanket wrapped around us like rope. I couldn't move I couldn't escape I had to just lay there and let him do what he wanted to me. Pulling his hand with all my might was futile It was an utter failure he only squeezed harder making me gasp. The sickening feeling in my stomach rising, but I was a girl and a teenager girl nonetheless how could I not enjoy such rough yet tenderness on my body. It was painful. It was all too painful I didn't care how my body responded my heart told me it was wrong. I couldn't get him off me. He controlled me the fight in me was gone. I felt a part of myself die that evening. After minutes that seemed like ages his furtive hand unlatched from my chest. I still couldn't breathe in fear that he would find a reason to touch my virgin body in such a way that would break me.
I could already feel my soul tearing apart, but I didn’t show it I didn’t let anyone know until I took a step into my room. How could I let my boyfriend know what just happened? Would he hate me? Would he blame me? I had to tell him. He deserved to know. The touch of his hand burned on my chest when I took a look in a mirror all I saw was a whore. A plague infected prostitute. This is because of me? This is all my fault? I had to tell Jeremy he needed to know what a horrible person I became. I wanted to hide under the covers. I wanted to scream at the world for allowing this to happen. How could god? how could any higher power lead his actions? Was this my fate? Or was it my actions that lead me to such a demise to such a painful encounter. I know it could have been worse but I want to take it back. I want my innocence back from his cruel hand. I had to keep from screaming out in agony. The world around me seemed to close around me like I was nothing. I hid from him. I hid from the world.One day I decided to give him another chance after months but it was mistake. One I will never forget even from years to come. His hands were strong and powerful, but not the kind any girl dreamed of these were the hands of a monster. Should I really call him a monster? It could be that I was just the seductress the sweet poison he wanted to taste. His violations just got worse but I acted like it was fine. I put up a front that hid away all the pain and the mouthful of words I was too afraid to say unless I was in a dark room. The solitary gave me comfort I didn’t have to fear anyone hurting me if I was alone. Living with a burden such of this was too much to carry on my shoulders. No matter how much I tried the music wasn't loud enough to force the thoughts out. The distractions weren’t enough to throw the memories away. The world didn't detest him. The world never cared. I drowned in my fear and sorrows my only salvation was my boyfriend, but how long will it last after such a display of vulgarity from a maggot filled seductress? Months went by as the violations got worse. I was his sweet victory in many ways. His to dominate not caring for my soul which darkened from each touch. I could feel myself dying with each stroke of my cheek, with each tight hug I couldn’t escape from, and with the hands on me that burned my mind and body. Each night it got worse the only time I let out my pain was the words I spoke to my boyfriend. He was the only one who knew my pain and my fear. I couldn't tell anyone else. It was my fault after all. I prayed to whatever being would hear me and feel my pain to just protect me from the masked demon I once called friend. His hands were tight on my wrist his eyes were glowing like a demon. I couldn't move he was too strong above me. I fought for Jeremy but when I felt his sharp teeth on my neck I felt myself completely die. I was dead. There was nothing left of me. I still blamed myself. He didn't do anything no boy his age wouldn't do. After a while I was fed up with him being controlling and breaking me so I decided to hang out with friends that cared for me. Unfortunately I was interested in the boy who was kind to me and held me as I cried out my pain and when I told him my story he did the same thing the first boy did. He broke me with his hands and with his lips. I fear guys who are caring to me because I feel like all they are doing is plotting against me. I'm having suicidal thoughts, I cut myself, and I have many panic attacks which makes you just feel like you are dying inside and out. I been distancing myself from everyone. I don't mind telling people that I was murder inside and I feel like I'm alone. No one understands the pain I'm in even in the mental institution I am in partially I have the worst story. I feel like I can't relate and the only thing I can relate to is the character in my book that knows my pain,my fear, and my thoughts. I feel like I won't heal and that no matter how much I try my life will end by my own hand or another boy will come along and end me.