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What happened to me?

Posted by angelsun , 24 September 2013 · 174 views

I am lost, I am discouraged and I am sinking deeper into my dark hole. I don't know how to climb out of it. I am trying, I keep trying but the weight of this is becoming too heavy. I hate myself and frustrated with myself. I feel like I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am to make sense of all this nonsense, how? I don't know what I feel, I don't realize the extent of what this has done to me. I am feeling more and more alone. I still don't understand why after all these years some of this stuff is so bothersome. I was doing so well, I thought, what happened? Where is this all coming from, why can't I see any light? This mass confusion going on around me is destroying me, it is sucking my strength and hope from me. I try to open up about some of my history, not even the bothersome parts, but something is going wrong, I shouldn't feel this bad. I can't concentrate anymore, I can't get away from this, I don't know where to go. How can I be falling apart like this, I need to be there for my kids, I need to be there for me and yet, I am losing my way. I don't know how to do this anymore. How can anyone help me when I don't know what is wrong. I just know that I hurt but where is it stemming from?

I try to talk to my t and she is helpful but yet I leave and feel so much worse. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and yet I walk around and wonder why can't anyone see what is going on with me. Why can't anyone make this go away? When will I find my way, when will this lift? So many unanswered questions, so many hopeless thoughts, I want to run. I am scared of myself. I have always been strong, I have always been able to handle things, never needed anyone's help. I am trying to get help and yet it doesn't feel like it is helping, so why bother. What happened to me, where did I go? I just want myself back..........

I know it seems dark.

I know it seems as if it 'used to be easier', I know it seems as if it will never be better, or never good enough.

But you will get there.

Your kids are fine, really. Look after you right now, reassure them as and if you need to that you love them and although you're sad sometimes you are working on getting better.

It is always darkest before sunrise. I know, how cliche. It is true. My abuse happened 30+ years ago and I did not begin seeing a T until my darkest moment.

Focus a little more on something that makes you happy. I still have bad days. The weight is there and heavy at times. Remember there is an entire site full of people with similar situations. Look to these people as we'll to help get better.

Thanks for your replies. I wasn't expecting anyone to really read this, I was just venting in hopes of feeling better. I hate when times feel hopeless. It was nice of you both. :metoyou:

Thanks for your replies. I wasn't expecting anyone to really read this, I was just venting in hopes of feeling better. I hate when times feel hopeless. It was nice of you both. :metoyou:/>

angelsun, I read your "vent" and a lot of it reminded me of "me". You are not alone, I too was abused and violated 30+years ago. I had and have times when I really felt like I was "drowning", barely afloat and slowly sinking to a bottomless pit! I have been doing a lot of reading and have read that it is common to regress to a state of sadness and a low place after doing well for a period of time. That it is to be expected, not sure if this is helping but I HOPE SO! This is all part of the healing process that does not take place in a structured path, it kind of jumps back & forth between good and bad days or periods. I wish you the best on your healing journey :hug: :hug:
I know this feeling well. I can tell you only my experience, and hope it helps you. I typically get like this when I've not been taking care of myself. What I mean by that is not just going to therapy, but actually having time to be alone, or to go out with friends and see the other things life has to offer. I always want everyone to "see" what I am feeling, but that is the small child in me wishing someone could "see" what I'm going through. Years ago I wanted someone to notice my pain, and as an adult I still hoped for someone to notice my pain. I realized after a while I was no longer a child without a voice. I am an adult with adult coping skills, and I have a voice. I tell my family when I am in pain, and then I don't expect them to do anything but support my choices in how to handle that pain. There hasn't been one magic recipe for me when I get like this. I have to use my internal wisdom and intuition to know what I need. Maybe I need to eat healthier. Maybe I need group therapy. Maybe I need a vacation away from everyone and everything. Maybe I need a new focus like going back to school, or an exercise routine. Maybe I need a physican to prescribe medications, and a massage therapist to loosen the tension. Maybe I need spiritual or energy work like shamanism or reiki. The point is I now have choices, and I take advantage of having the ability to choose what works for me. Something will work. It's just finding what it is that makes you happy and healthy from inside. I depend upon resources to help facilitate my journey, but I know ultimately it still comes down to what it is I can do for myself. This is different for everyone. Personally when I get this lost and confused it means I need lots of silence in a supportive environment. This can be a retreat, a workshop, an ashram, any place that you can breathe in peace and feel safe. Your therapist may know of a place. If not find your own spot. Many times I've driven an hour or two away from where I live to a spend a day in a small town at a coffee shop, seeing a movie, or just strolling around. I have ended up in a friends home in their bed with them cooking me dinner. I do hope you find peace soon. You have the power to do so, even if it's in small moments of 15 mins. at a time just breathing. It's kind of like exercise. There are days we can't get in a full hour workout, so we do 10 min. sessions throughout the day, and these DO COUNT!.

Take good care!

Thank you all. :metoyou:

I don't mean to be negative, this is all really just for me to get some of my thoughts out but I do appreciate your replies. I am in a bad place and have been for some time. I don't know when it is going to lift for me, I don't like being in this place.
You are not being negative. You are on a journey and we all hope that it brings you to a place of peace. I do hope it lifts soon.

Take extra good care of yourself right now. You deserve it!

July 2016

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