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Conversations with my T in my head

Posted by Mand , 29 March 2014 · 85 views

Today has been a glorious day. I have been, yet again, mightily humbled by the normalisation of my feelings that occurs when I contact with people on Pandy's. A lot of my support comes from the response to these blogs, but as well, there are some of you with whom I feel very close and I regularly receive PM's from. I had one such PM this morning. And for some reason, because the person suggested I read back over my entries from when I first opened my vault, I found a certain level of processing occurring today when I was out on my bike ride that rather surprised me. It pertains to the following part from my poem - "Circling" - the posting of which led me to feel such intense vulnerability. And I realised that it was this excerpt that lept out at me as causing the issue:
 
"My need for the love I received.
It is so disturbing.
It is wrong.
But without it,
Who would I now be?
Was it so very wrong?
Does it surprise you?
Disgust you?
Do I now repulse you?"
 
I was going to give this poem to my T last session, but for the first time ever, I completely forgot to take my file with me. And this speaks to me of resistance. And I believe the resistance revolves around these few lines of writing. So I decided I needed to explore this, as it makes me so very uncomfortable.
 
What this screams to me is the need for my T to express the disgust, the revulsion, that I am unable to feel about my past. I could hear myself saying to her: "If you can be disgusted, revolted, with me, with my situation, then that's ok, because it means I won't then have to". And I am paused to wonder at this........Is this because if she can say that she is not revolted by me - as a person - but by what happened to me - does it then give me permission to feel revulsion too? But actually, I am afraid to get angry, to not take the blame, say the fault is not mine. Because then it has to be his. I can feel a strange feeling in the centre of my chest as I write this. My brow is furrowing. Tears are coming to my eyes..... I feel like I am stuck in a strange prison where by I loved him so very much, that the though of feeling revolted by him scares me - because I don't want to lose my love for him.......Because I am worried that by doing so, I will lose an important part of myself........
 
I am going to have to stop. I suddenly feel distant. My head is spinning. But I sense a great truth is here. In these thoughts.
 



 if she can say that she is not revolted by me - as a person - but by what happened to me - does it then give me permission to feel revulsion too?

 

Mand, there is definitely a truth here somewhere, but it's really slippery to pin down.  My T is very careful not to volunteer anything personal, but earlier this year, he said he has been "very, very angry" at my brother.  I needed to hear that because it was a validation that I was not to blame; that what was done to me was bad enough to get angry about; that I too have the right to be angry (giving permission, as you say).  Now I feel sort of comforted that he is holding that anger for me until I am able to feel it for myself - like it's mine, but he'll keep it safe in the meantime.

 

 because I don't want to lose my love for him.......Because I am worried that by doing so, I will lose an important part of myself........

 

This makes complete sense.  Your attachment to him was a very large part of your illusion of security as a child in the face of great insecurity and would have been the framework on which so much of your personality development was shaped.  It reminds me of something I voiced to my T: My CSA is like the skeleton and everything else about me is the flesh that clothes the bones.  Without the skeleton, it is hard to see how the flesh can hold it's shape - sorry if that's a grisly image, but I was trying to explain why, after all this time in T, I still feel weak and formless.

 

Strength to you  :metoyou:

Thank you Allegro. It's exactly this sort if response that is so immensely helpful. I like the idea of my T 'holding' the emotion for me until I am ready to feel it. It sounds very comforting. Can I ask Allegro (you don't have to answer) did you struggle with erotic transference at all? It's still such an issue that bugs me.

No, but then, apart from my feelings for that one man, I can't say that erotic feelings have had much airtime in my life at all! :(

It must be terribly difficult for you, Mand.  I think I read somewhere once that erotic transference is something that can be dealt with in discussion with one's therapist, but I can't imagine how much courage it would take to bring it up with the very "object of one's affection".  :hug: :hug:

It's hard. She knows about it (obviously - I sent her a bunch of red roses and told her I loved her. I have said how I struggle with my feelings for her. She is so kind). I know now it is wired into my abuse. That an older person, with "power" over me, who I trust- I feel I must be sexually available. She calls it my miss- wiring. And she is right. And I try not to feel ashamed by it. I KNOW it is not my fault. But it is hard. I love her so much.....
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pumpkinoodle
Mar 29 2014 06:17 PM

I am so sorry you're going through this right now. At the same time, your post inspires me to ask myself "what am I feeling" and "why."

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intrepidshe
Mar 29 2014 08:12 PM

"What this screams to me is the need for my T to express the disgust, the revulsion, that I am unable to feel about my past."

 

Boy oh boy is that true for me!

 

I find if others express anger, sadness, etc. about my history, I can begin to feel the things you mentioned. Also, when I react with anger or sadness about someone else's experiences, I realize some of what I feel applies to my own experiences.

 

I hope your head has stopped spinning. You made such important strides here, for you, but also for me . . . and probably others.

(((Mand)))

 

I am sorry you are going through this right now, but it is so good that you are working through these deep feelings. 

 

That's all I can say for now, but know I am with you and always here with a cup of tea if you need one.

 

 

Take gentle care

Sarrettaa

:hug:
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yarnfoolishness
Mar 31 2014 07:26 PM

:cuppa:

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