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in the pit...

Posted by missophelia , 14 November 2013 · 169 views

I feel like I've been tossed down into the pit of hell.
 
Physically, and emotionally, I am a mess. 
 
Torture comes to mind.
 
I had a session today.  It was extremely hard.  Dr K and I had a serious discussion about hosptilizaiton.
 
Some of my answers were...
 
Dr K:  What would help?  Me:  Getting run over by a train.
 
Dr K:  What would you like to do?  Me:  I wish I still had those pills. I would use them.
 
I saw my primary care doc yesterday.  She has already made it clear, in a veiled way, that she thinks that most of my physical pain is in my head.  Because I am a mental health patient.  She alluded to that, and added that I should keep up with therapy, and going to group, and all of the other things I am doing along that line.
 
Whatever.
 
An xray I had done a couple of weeks ago on my back shows arthritis.  Which I believe is a result of the lyme disease that she doesn't believe I have.  So, yesterday, she told me my pain is nerve pain.  And prescribed me gabapentin. 
 
I agreed, hesitantly, to try it. 
 
My back pain increased by 100%.  I woke this morning, 11 hours after having taken the pill, feeling hung over, dizzy and nauseated. 
 
Angry.  Depressed.  Anxious.  Suicidal.
 
And I want to SI.
 
It took a matter of seconds for me to break down in Dr K's office. 
 
And I haven't broken down like that in a long time, not even when I am alone with myself.
 
I don't know how I am going to crawl out of this pit.
 
I don't know if I can.
 
And I don't know if I want to.



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Untangling-It-All
Nov 14 2013 08:23 PM

Just because someone has mental health issues, this does not mean they cannot get physically sick. I want to shake that doctor of yours. I have visions of me going in with you and telling her as much and telling her to get it together and treat your symptoms.

 

Maybe hospitalization is needed right now. It doesn't have to be long. I'm thinking in terms of days only. Just to get things sorted out for you.

 

I'm sorry you had such a difficult session today :hug:

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missophelia
Nov 14 2013 08:29 PM

Thanks, Untangling

 

I just feel like, this is what i get for asking for help with how I feel physically. 

 

And all of this surrounding my physical health and what's gone on with my doc, I know it isn't helping my depression. 

 

It would feel nice if you did that to my doc.

 

I keep thinking about just going into the hospital, and just never leaving.  I almost think that if I went in, I would be afraid to leave.  Maybe a few days would help though, and I wouldn't feel that way after all.  I don't know.

 

Thanks again.   :hug:

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Untangling-It-All
Nov 14 2013 08:37 PM

It isn't your fault that your doctor isn't taking you seriously. That's totally on her.

 

For what it's worth, I have read in various places that a lot of doctors don't take lyme disease seriously in most places, and people who have get it have a really hard time getting doctors to take it seriously - and these are people who have no mental health problems, so it's not even being blamed on that. What I am trying to say it is not you. It's your doctor, and she is not doing her job properly. Often when people have mood swings or other problems, the first thing that is recommended is to rule out a physical cause. For example depression can be caused by a thyroid that is out of whack. Get that tested for, and fixed, and the depression gets fixed. The rule usually is lets rule out physical causes to be sure while we try to sort out the mental health struggles.

 

I think if you were afraid of leaving the hospital afterwards, that you could get help with that before you leave? Or like you say, maybe you won't feel that way afterwards, maybe that's just a fear you have in this moment.

 

I'm here listening and reading :hug:

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missophelia
Nov 14 2013 08:45 PM

Yeah, you're right, it is on her.

 

I think I've read that too, about lyme disease and docs.  And yeah, I think she isn't doing her job right.  I just wish she saw things the way she should, like you say.

 

I suppose I could get help with that before I leave.  And it could be just a fear i"m having now.

 

Thank you for listening and reading and for your support.  :hug:

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