As pathetic as this is going to sound but I seriously do think a lot lately that I HATE my family. I keep telling myself that nobody except three people know that I was sexually abused so I cannot "blame" them for being there for me or whatever. I just feel so pissed, ashamed and EMBARRASSED that my own father and brother abused my all these years and yet...they seem to be, or at least I am assuming, getting up every day acting like they deserve to live. I seriously keep saying that they should die and fucking kill themselves. I do pray, try to, and it does help since I am praying a lot lately not to worry so much. For me, worrying leads to stress and fear and etc. I just keep dreading the holidays and family events since I KNOW that asshole brother of mine will be there. At least he most likely will. Then, I keep telling myself too why should I WORRY or be SCARED of HIM and my DAD! One, they can say shit about me all they want because in reality, they are pissed that for once, someone gave them the bird and confronted them about the abuse. So they can go fuck themselves. Two, Andrew Rodriguez my perfectly "brother" should be SHAKING IN HIS BOOTS. For too long, he took advantage of me and is getting away with it since I have not "fully" outed him in public. I seriously just want to live my life and be happy. I know that happiness does not exists since it is life and shit happens; but I just feel so unloved and like nobody cares about me. So what happens? I come home from work and sit in my car, dreading to go into the house where my mom and new kitty is. I just want to cuss her out. I NEVER tell people about my emotions; in fact my friends do not know the real me and it scares me. I understand that all of you have problems of your own and perhaps much bigger and worse and forgive me, but all my life I was never able to have a voice. This is why I was a pushover and still am in ways since I do not want to argue and argue like I have to prove a point or something. I just always get scared that I will be a total screw up and develop an addiction like a few relatives on dad's side, including dad, with alcohol and substance abuse. I am not going to lie: I DO get thoughts about suicide but more on "I wonder how life would be like if I were dead" or "Everyone would be happy if I died." I know, I am a total bipolar asshole and selfish fuck. I just need to vent because honestly I NEVER do. I mean, writing helps-especially since my stories are dark. Screenwriting classes are tough but people have told me that my material is deep and dark and that the dialogue is really realistic. Guess what one of my characters is a victim of: rape. I guess writing "forces" me to vent through the minds and thoughts of characters. I know that sounds weird but if it were not for WRITING and me going to attack and get it, I seriously do not know where I would even be today.