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disappointments and roles

Posted by bellachai , 27 November 2013 · 250 views

My daughter's boyfriend has been copping an attitude for a couple of days and not speaking to me much.
My daughter and I had words or I should say she had words of anger to say and I listened in disappointment then shut down.  I had the urge to cry but commanded myself not to and succeeded.
My mother does not want to cook for Thanksgiving since my father died.  I can understand that.  It is way too much trouble to cook a dinner for only two or three people.  She does not like my daughter's boyfriend so she made no effort to include him.  I found a place that is serving Thanksgiving buffet.  I made the reservations originally for 11:30am.
My daughter, her boyfriend and I will be cooking our own Thanksgiving dinner.  Starting our own traditions for being thankful.  I could have just invited my mother but she would not accept the invitation.  My mother and father have never eaten a dinner at my house even though I had invited them often.  It wasn't cuz my home was filthy nor is it now that I have long term health care.  They just preferred going out or at their home.  Besides my mother cannot stand my daughter's boyfriend.  I could have offered to bring the food we are going to cook over to her house but why?  The boyfriend would still be left out.
I called my mother to tell her what time.  She invited my daughter and I to help her decorate her tree afterwards.  She thought that would something fun the three of us could do together.  A couple of hours after I told my daughter she came to me saying wouldn't it be better to do the Christmas tree decorating in the morning rather afternoon so we could be here to finish up cooking our thanksgiving dinner.  I thought she had a point plus I would be tired after eating.
I changed the reservation yesterday to 1pm to ensure enough time to decorate and be together with my mother.  I told my daughter I changed the time and she just went off on me saying that my mother is so picky about how her tree should look that what is the point when she will change all her and I do  ten minutes after we leave and it is too much time away from her boyfriend and her rant on for a minute or two.  I just looked at her through it all and for several seconds afterwards.  I calmly told her that if the truck was working I could go and spend time with my mother who will be alone otherwise on a family holiday and she would not have to go at all.  Then I shut down and dissociated from her and her boyfriend.
A couple of hours later she asked me if I was still mad at her.  No.  I told her if she could just drop me off at my mother's in the morning of Thanksgiving.  I would tell my mother that she could not stay cuz she had to work for a couple of hours and it was up to her if she wanted to join my mother and me for the dinner I made reservations for.  She did not really reply one way or another so....... 
All my life I have had the role of Miss Fixit.  It is one of those not good enough roles smoothing things among others.  It is a role in therapy I was working on to give up and let others experience their own experiences.  I have been doing it so long I haven't learned to say no and set those boundries.  It angers me and I feel disappointment in myself.
Then there is the behavior of my mother and my daughter.  It is humorous how much they are alike but it is pitiful too as neither see how their words and behaviors hurt others.  I don't they care either as long as they get what they want.  That may be why neither have many people in their lives and  this gives me so much sorrow.
I do not understand why no one gets it:  Just because my mother is a bad and toxic mother doesn't mean I should be a bad and toxic daughter or mother.  Two (three) wrongs do not make it all right.  I don't think their is a law out there that says doing the right things for good reasons will always be fun and happy.
The other day I put on my status the quote "It takes more courage to suffer than it does to die" by Napoleon Bonaparte.  A man of War.  I find that true for all survivors.
The price of my clarity is just more pain.
I had a whole month without experiencing a UTI.  Sunday UTI symptoms have returned and I am so disappointed.  This will be round 6 since the end of July.  I honestly am overwhelmed with all kinds of pain.  Death is starting to sound appealing. no more pain.

Nov 27 2013 08:07 PM



I can relate to the feeling of playing monkey in the middle between difficult family members. I was the "bad kid" growing up and I think there are still those in my family who see me that way. However, I think it says something that I'm the only one still on speaking terms with every member of my family of origin.... and that they are all so at odds with each other that none know the extent of my relationships with the others. It is a difficult position to be in, but I don't think you've done anything wrong.


I hope you are getting good care for that UTI. Take care of yourself. I wish you were not so overwhelmed. I hope you find relief from pain that does not involve death.

Nov 28 2013 12:59 AM



that's such a tough position to be put in by both your mother and your daughter.  you should just do what you need to do to feel the best at the end of your Thanksgiving day and if that means going out with your mother to the dinner buffet, then that's what you do.  Everyone in this situation is an adult and can and should be made to make their own decisions.  It's not fair that everyone puts everything on you and expects you to magically make it all right.  There's no way to do that and remain sane at the same time, sweet friend (I know, I've tried!)  Whatever you decide to do, I hope everything turns out ok.  I will be thinking of you and I do hope you'll be feeling better soon.


Please, hang in there and remember that I care.  Always here if you need me.


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