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I am so thankful for this website!! It has been a really great support system even if all that happens is that I am able to put it out there. Its so nice from hearing from others and their kind words and being able to relate!!! Its nice being able to express and let out all the crazy thoughts that run through my head, and even more so it so nice knowing that I really am not crazy but just dealing with the after math of the trauma and how it had effect me differently because of childhood abuse. I love that this place is so nonjudgmental, and that so many women can relate to feeling crazy, not being believe and even understanding what its like knowing it happened and that you probably won't ever receive justice that so many of us do deserve, and that if the system did listen more to those who have been hurt, it won't protect the abusers. I still have been going through some intense feelings of depression, but the days between the sadness and happiness is seeming to be greater and greater. I think back to the worst of the midst of the rape and the abuse, feeling so confused and like a dog who couldn't escape the abuser thinking if I didn't try to make him happy it would have been worse for myself. The extreme of the suicide in wanting to die. Feeling so alone and wanting to be alone, and realizing why I felt so isolated, and wanting to blame and try to hate those around me. I know I have had support, but it doesn't feel like enough. I never had felt like I got enough love and support and often feel like maybe if I did it would have fixed all my problems in life. If I had the right support that I'd be where I am suppose to be or want to be instead of where I am. (I know this thinking isn't right, cus I am not saying I am happy it happened, or that I wish it didn't happen, but it has given me a perspective in which was very enlightening not only to myself, about how rape works, but also all the things about rape in which I couldn't and didn't have compassion for others for before it happened in not being able to understand or relate until I found myself in the middle of it.) Sometimes I think maybe it was my own karma for thinking so uncompassionately for those girls and women who have been in circumstances such as my own.
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