Anyway, I do not know WHY I am/was nervous a bit since I have gone to a bar--the night my dad tried to jump a relative and drank and remember I had fun, felt more relaxed there rather than a friend's dumb kickback where mostly everyone was getting hammered---and have had those bad drunk moments. But, in reality, the only times I drank was at my best friend--former--house. So, I only drank like five times in my life.
I am kind of hoping, maybe looking for that permission like my T mentions, that my mom will not let me go tonight or says to go do something else. After all, I asked my mom for money and all she texted back was see you home so do not know if she wants to give me the 'talk.' It just makes me feel pissed and annoyed and sad because not only do I feel abnormal because 2.)my dad is an alcoholic and never handled his relapse well 3.)alcoholism runs on dad's side so it always makes me sad to see that when a parent is a drunk (like my grandpa) and their child (my dad, grandpa's son) then it is common for the next child to develop the addiction (me).
I just already feel so...I do not know. Afraid. Pissed. Angry. Wish I could be one of those girls who just sleeps around, parties and not give a crap! But no. Instead, I am stuck forever, in fear of becoming an addict and learning how to move on with my life from this unresolved family crap; dad's drinking--or if he is sober, then his unstable mentality state; and brother's abuse. Not to mention, THEIR IN DENIAL state.
I just do not want to lose friends or never get invited to places because I am afraid/just not wanting to go to clubs/bars and whatnot. I mean, I do see a drastic change from who I hang out with -- different people. Some drink. Some do not. But like my friend who goes to the same college as me, she has always had kickback's at her place and been to two and what made me feel a bit safe was that her older siblings and mom kept 'watch,' making sure things did not get out of control.
Also, too I am just telling myself that if I do end up going, like my friend told me this week, she only goes to the bars/clubs for a bit and goes home, it will only be for 3-4 hrs top. Or, less if we decide to get food. I am not drinking to escape nor hiding to drink (my dad did those and heard that is the number one signs of alcoholism). Just because I drink, does not mean I am my dad or even my so-called brother since he does/did drink a lot and smoked/s pot. I am me and can go and just people watch.
I mean, I do not even really like liquor. Like literally cannot finish a glass because it tastes too strong. I think I actually stress when I am out around drinks like shoulders tense. I guess, I just-in a way-want to force myself to go because yes, I may get scared/worried/stressed but might have fun. I mean, my friend is also a film student and we have similar goals so it is not like she is always out drinking.