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Shame and Telling
Posted 27 May 2006 - 02:53 PM
Rape. Molested. Incest. Abuse. Sexual Assualt.
These have words have such power. From us, they have taken control, safety and power. In replacement, we have been given hurt, anger and shame and we are silenced by it. They have power over our families, our friends, our peers and co-workers, too. These words have the power to them say things like "Are you sure?" or "Why didn't you do this, that or the other thing?" They make them call us liars. They make people we know and trust physically recoil from us, look away or just blush. It's all hurtful, so hurtful that it silences us.
Why do we feel shame? Before we even tell, we are ashamed. This is a society in which sex crimes are unspeakable. When we tell, our feelings about the rape, molestation or incest are influenced by the way the person we trusted enough to tell reacts to us. To those of you who told and received no support, I applaud you. Your search to heal is just heroic, and shows unwavering bravery. To tell takes untold courage. Again, I applaud you in your search to heal despite the shame given you. Rape is not the unspeakable crime; What your friends and families did by silencing you with shame is.
So why DO these people we trust so much look away?
Fear. Thinking that, "Well, rape happens to other people. Not to people I know. If it happened to someone I know, then it can happen to me, and it can't." Therefore, my friend, my daughter, my sister, wasn't raped."
Ignorant. Just fucking ignorant.
Control. Blame is a way to control. We blame our own selves, too don't we? By saying, "Why didn't you, run, scream, fight harder, etc...." our friends, families and peers put the control into our hands. They think..."If she had fought harder she would have gotten away. If she had yelled, someone would have heard her. I would have yelled. I would have gotten away. I would have been heard. This can't happen to me." It's a way for non-survivors to think they actually control their own environments. "The survivor, she didn't. But this can't happen to me." When we blame ourselves, we give control back to ourselves. I should have fought harder. I should have yelled. It's a way to protect our own mistaken belief that we control our own lives. We don't. Shit just happens. Us survivors, we learned that, in one heartbreaking minute.
We don't want that control, do we? Not when the shame comes with it. But people give that control to us, unasked for. And it makes us really ashamed. And silent.
Discomfort-People are generally uncomfortable with discussions about genitals, and when we tell them that our genitals were so horribly abused, they become uncomfortable.
I was mugged, two years ago. Total control was taken from me, by a man with a gun to my face, and I reached into the back pocket of my jeans and gave him money. He walked away. Was I ashamed? No. Did people treat me differently? No. I found sympathy. "What can I do for you?" "Are you okay?" "That must have been scary." This is how people reacted.
Rape is the unspeakable crime because it involves the control of our genitals. Our genitals to be treasured. They are to be worshipped. We do not speak of them.
Seven weeks ago, penis was put into my vagina without my consent.
The reluctance to speak about a crime involving genitals makes what is essentially a horrible mugging more awful for me. I am horrified that this happened and people don't want to hear about it, even though I desperately need to talk about it with those who can help me make sense out of this world. However, people don't talk about these things, so I am quickly and effectively silenced.
I am silent, because their words hurt, because I am afraid of more abuse, because I am afraid of their pain and their reactions.
For those of you, especially those of you who have been more effectively silenced than I have; I am in awe of you. To heal must be incredibly difficult.
Too many women are raped, molested, abused and assaulted because of the silence.
Too many women feel this Collective Shame, because of the silence.
I am going to ask people a favor. Don't be silenced.
Stepping out can be so frightening, but so much can be gained. Sometimes statistics jump into my head and I can't help but think about what would happen if every victim of sexual assault were to simultaneously scream. People would begin, and those who had hadn't been able to acknowledge what has been done to them, would hear, look around, realize that they were not alone and join in. It would be the scream heard across the world and it would be the scream to change the world. No place would be silent, no person on this earth would not hear that scream and the effects of sexual assault would be frighteningly audible and thus undeniable.
That is an unrealistic vision right now, but it is not unrealistic to break the silence on a smaller scale. End the silence at your own pace. Any step is a good step, no matter what it is. These steps are acts of bravery. Stay safe when you take steps. If just reading this was the biggest step you can take, then good for you. You have something to be proud of. If you can, write it. If you can say your word to yourself, say it. If you can say rape, incest molestation to a friend, try it on for size. If you can yell it, like I did last night, yell it. If you can speak out, then do so.
Any step you take, is a step in ending this collective shame and silence, that we all feel. Now that is empowering, to us, the survivors, and to all women.
Posted 01 July 2006 - 10:48 PM
Posted 16 August 2006 - 10:18 AM
Posted 16 August 2006 - 11:00 AM
Posted 26 September 2006 - 04:53 PM
Wow! I recently did speak out, even if only to two of my physicians. One was wonderful, the other...apparantly I caught him a bit off guard. His initial response, I can't repeat here. Although, he did step up to the plate,so to speak. I believe he made my gyne surgery much easier for me. I'm sure he is aware of how he responded and perhaps gave it some thought afterwards. He has been VERY nice and very professional. I'm hoping he didnt tell the rest of his staff, though. I do have my suspicions.
Posted 03 December 2006 - 06:45 PM
I know this is an older thread, but it touched me soooo much I had to reply!
Your words are soooo powerful! Until now, I have only told the "general outline" of what happened to me to a very few people. I have yet to find the courage to let people in my RL know how I feel about it, or how it has effected me. I talk with my T, and the beautiful people here at Pandy, but that is all.
My shame, My guilt, My pain live inside of me, controlling me, trying to drown me. After reading your words (about 1/2 dozen times to get it into my thick skull) I will make it my goal this week to stop hiding, to say the words out loud, and the hell with how it makes others feel! I will do this for ME!
Thank you oh powerful, wise, wonderful, supportive Jes! :wub:/>
Posted 03 December 2006 - 11:53 PM
Thanks for posting this, and i agree with every word :)/>
Posted 05 January 2007 - 10:17 AM
Thank you, thank you again Jes!
Much love, Stephanie
Posted 16 May 2007 - 12:24 AM
Thank you for sharing something so poweful and so personal
Take care, breezy
Posted 16 May 2007 - 11:09 AM
I can only imagine what that day would be like if every victim of sexual assault would scream. I believe you are right, that no place on this earth would be quiet. That it would be heard around the world.
I wish I could scream, I wish I could speak out. I have been quieted for far too long.
Thank you again Jess, it's very powerful to read and feel.
Posted 17 May 2007 - 09:06 AM
You are absolutely right on the money with your post. Silence is the enemy of the survivor.
I am a survivor. My wife is a survivor. I am a therapist who specializes in helping survivors. It's hard to speak out. Its difficult to believe that we won't be hurt, or rejected, or that something terrible won't happen if we speak. But, speaking is part of the process of healing for most of us.
The dragon (my wife's name for the inner shame, anger and torment the survivor feels) flourishes in the darkness of silence. To speak is to take some of his power away and return it to yourself. Be deliberate in your choice to speak. Start with a trusted somebody. But when you can...speak!
This post has been edited by Truestim: 17 May 2007 - 09:07 AM
Posted 17 May 2007 - 11:17 AM