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The blessing in all of my madness is self discovery. The last month or two have been a whirlwind of hurt. I am a mother of 4 amazing children 3 of whom I share with my ex-husband. The younger 2 of the 3 are very involved in extra curricular activities which require a lot of my time. Of course my ex is also involved. For some this wouldn't be an issue except I was subject to sexual and emotional abuse for the duration of our 10 year marriage. Then the hurt and pain continued through vicious court battles. These circumstances accompanied by PTSD when dealing with him don't help. My specific struggles recently have to do with forging personal relationships through the kids extra curricular activities.
With my daughter's soccer I would spend time on the sidelines with the other parents and thoroughly enjoyed the interaction. As she got better and her team got better they decided to establish a club team. This required parents to band together even tighter into a community, some even say family. I was hesitant to become close with anyone as the courts and my heart warned against anyone knowing our "secret". When there was a crisis within the team my heart led me to support the family who was having trouble with other parents. I had always known that the new wife of my ex was friendly with the mom in this family. Part of me had been screaming "NO NO NO" at all opportunities to interact with her. However, my head told me to suck it up and not be such a victim. Then when their family crisis hit I threw all of my instincts to the wind and supported her and her husband.
Fast forward 2 years and she approaches me with a favor my ex husband and his wife want from me. I was speechless. Truly speechless. I said I would consider it then we made some small talk. As we parted she made a reference to me being lucky to have my children half of the time. (My ex- husband and his new wife attempted to have me declared an unfit mother). I asked her what she meant by that and she couldn't explain. I went into a 2 day tailspin. I was heartbroken.
To be honest, I am still heartbroken. But I learned something. My soul, my psyche is scarred, damaged maybe for the rest of my life. Not because of her.... But because of what I have been subject to through my ex-husband. This is not going to change. Therefore, it is my duty to put myself in safe situations... to not try to forge relationships in a situation full of land mines. I do not need to test my strength by putting myself in situations that are likely to hurt me.
I am not going to the team Christmas Party this year and I will have peace in my soul as a result.
With my daughter's soccer I would spend time on the sidelines with the other parents and thoroughly enjoyed the interaction. As she got better and her team got better they decided to establish a club team. This required parents to band together even tighter into a community, some even say family. I was hesitant to become close with anyone as the courts and my heart warned against anyone knowing our "secret". When there was a crisis within the team my heart led me to support the family who was having trouble with other parents. I had always known that the new wife of my ex was friendly with the mom in this family. Part of me had been screaming "NO NO NO" at all opportunities to interact with her. However, my head told me to suck it up and not be such a victim. Then when their family crisis hit I threw all of my instincts to the wind and supported her and her husband.
Fast forward 2 years and she approaches me with a favor my ex husband and his wife want from me. I was speechless. Truly speechless. I said I would consider it then we made some small talk. As we parted she made a reference to me being lucky to have my children half of the time. (My ex- husband and his new wife attempted to have me declared an unfit mother). I asked her what she meant by that and she couldn't explain. I went into a 2 day tailspin. I was heartbroken.
To be honest, I am still heartbroken. But I learned something. My soul, my psyche is scarred, damaged maybe for the rest of my life. Not because of her.... But because of what I have been subject to through my ex-husband. This is not going to change. Therefore, it is my duty to put myself in safe situations... to not try to forge relationships in a situation full of land mines. I do not need to test my strength by putting myself in situations that are likely to hurt me.
I am not going to the team Christmas Party this year and I will have peace in my soul as a result.
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