Today's session was weird. Quite god and forgiveness oriented, which wasn't that huge a deal in itself; I am Christian, and if T isn't she sure acts like one. But anyway, for some reason, T thinks I have huge issues with forgiving myself and letting go. I don't. Only small issues with forgiving myself and letting go.
Sometimes, I can feel like it's been forgiven and I am happy. Other times I need to go to my mom or sister or friend and ask to have it forgiven again and again. I always remind myself that it doesn't actually matter if I did something bad or not. I can still have it forgiven! Realizing that made me really, really happy and I was good for a while.
Then the doubt sneaked back in and I lost it again. And went back to my mom.
T read me a story today too. Not because she was trying to indulge little childlike me (I was in that state though) but to help me to realize that I can forgive myself. It was nice though. I sat there with my little stuffed dog and giggled at the absurdity of it all. Here I am, 19 years old and clutching a stuffed toy like I will die if it is taken from me and having a story read to me like a child! I did really giggle and T was quite charmed. She said that when she looked up and saw me sitting there holding a stuffed dog and giggling she would have sworn I was 8 years old 😄 but it was really cute. That just awkwarded me out, but she can say that without me getting too freaked out.
It was kind of like my long session 2 weeks ago, when I practically fell asleep on her couch. Except I didn't fall asleep or even come close. It was just safe.
I really did not want to leave when she have me a hug at the end. I would have gladly just camped out in her office curled in a ball in the corner.