All I've wanted since I started therapy was to feel something other than dead inside. I was expecting sadness, not rage. I hate myself right now, I wish I would of never started this healing process. I was better off being numb and frankly stupid to the effects the abuse had on my life. I knew I had some issues, my alters let me know that on a regular basis, but I was hardly ever losing time and I was the only one that knew my secret that others were in my head talking to me. It wasn't so bad looking back on it, not near as bad as this rage that has hit me this week. I can't stand anything. I don't even want to be around my 3yr old daughter who I would die for in a second if it meant she would never have to be abused and what I feel. I can't stand for my boyfriend to touch me at all, not talking sexual, if he tries to hold my hand or pat my shoulder as hes walking past me, I cringe. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I can't do this, everyone thinks I need to be hospitalized but what good is that going to do when all I'm going to do is sit there and feel overwhelming guilt and self hate for abandoning my daughter the same as what was done to me. I keep trying to reach out to God, pleading for him to take this anger from me or to explain why he let this happen to me, why he did not save me when I believed so much in him as a child. 11 fucking years, he let him molest me, anything he wanted to do, he did and nothing I could do would stop him. I told my mom and I'll never forget her words to me "well if you weren't such a fucking bitch you wouldn't need a babysitter and so you better just keep your mouth shut and take what you deserve. your nothing but a slut anyway." How do you say that to a 6 year old child??? It really doesn't matter she had beaten me unconscious so many times before then that the sexual abuse was painless, so much easier to endure than her sick games. So tomorrow is mother's day, well Happy Fucking Mother's Day mom I hope its a great one for you cause you have ruined it for me. I want to hate you, I wish I could hate you but I'm too busy hating myself to do nothing more than feel sorry for you. And now, while my life is ruined, you are a licensed foster parent and being offered a job as a youth ministry leader. I understand that God sees the bigger picture that I don't see but I just can not see where the fuck God is in that irony. what did I ever do to you? oh yeah, you remind me daily how could I forget, I was born a girl. Well, I'm not like you, I'm not passing on this cycle of abuse to my daughter. And by the way I'M GLAD SHE IS A GIRL, I WANTED AND PRAYED FOR A GIRL! I have a meeting scheduled for next week to talk to my pastor about her going to live with someone in the church until I can get better. I'm not ruining her life so she can live a daily life that's worse than hell. Oh and yes I got your email with your happy mothers day e-card and no i didn't open it and I'm not going to open it. its a little late now for you to pretend to be a mother. If you haven't noticed, you have been replaced. I have a new family now and I don't need you anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So all the wasted breath you used to say you hated me, you wished I was dead, you couldn't wait till I was 16 so you could kick me out, that I had ruined your life, well you can breath a sigh of relief cause you have proven your point. My only regret, biggest regret of my life was that all the times you held a gun to my head, is that you didn't pull the trigger. Now I have a 3yr old daughter and a boyfriend who have to pay the price of me not being able to function while you go about your business as if you are God's gift to the world.