Ok I feel better now.
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Posted 28 June 2002 - 12:40 PM
Ok I feel better now.
Posted 01 September 2003 - 02:42 PM
1) Sometimes it is too hard for the people who care about us to see us hurting - so it's easier for them to say "get over it"...but that's thier need for us to be happy or put on a mask. Perhaps a response to those people would be some understanding in the sense that it might be too hard for them to see us hurt - and to ask them what they feel comfortable with so that we don't expect more than they can realistically give (e.g. I can't rant, cry etc with one particular friend because she just can't see me that vulnerable, but she's great at taking me out for dinner and making me laugh...so sometimes I won't even go into 'why' I need...just to let her know I need her for that). Then the other person can still be allowed to care for us on thier terms...and we can get some much needed caring on our terms.
2) Some people are uneducated on this issue. It is safer for them to believe that abuse is something that happens to "a certain type of people" (i.e. not them) - they can keep this belief alive as long as they don't see it - so if you are brave enough to risk bringing it up, it becomes too close to home for them, so they tell you to "get over it". It becomes about thier fear. A response I've used in this situation has been something like - I know how my abuse has impacted me and I think it's important to understand that to know myself better - abuse in all forms impacts people, and I guess because I've expereinced it, I'm sensitive to seeing it in action and wish to discuss it to increase awareness. If you can't talk about it, that's fine, but I'd appreciate it if you would not dismiss my expereince so quickly.
3) Guilt, shame, fear - some people have perpetrated abuse, and/or been involved in keeping the abuse a 'family secret' - deep down they know this; but if they can continue to minimize, blame, stop the conversation by "get over it" type comments, then they can feel better about thier own guilt/shame etc by making it something wrong with you. When someone is being just plain mean by doing these, I respond with (a) "the way this conversation is going is not acceptable for me" (and leave); or (b) I'm willing to help you understand my expereince if you are willing to listen and try to learn in a respectful way. Being respectful includes trying to understand, and not judging me or belittling my feelings - you can disagree, as long as it's respectful and you can back it up with reasons why you feel that way (e.g. you wonder why I stayed in the abusive relationship for so long? that's a fair question - but ask and be willing to accept my answer as my reality)
Wow...again, great thread...I may have to come back to it once I get some more thoughts organized (((hugs)))
Posted 06 September 2003 - 08:54 AM
Posted 10 August 2002 - 06:43 AM
Needless to say, I only stayed one more week and that was because my mother forced me to go back.
Posted 18 June 2003 - 11:19 PM
Posted 12 July 2003 - 03:52 PM
I feel like saying to someone who tries to deny the reality of what happened to me or who tries to minimize my pain, "If you had just been raped, or been in a major car accident or plane crash, I wouldn't try to minimize your pain, so why are you doing that to me? I mean, this isn't something you can just do talk to the supervisor about and make it all better."
Posted 05 September 2003 - 02:31 PM
Posted 27 June 2002 - 03:50 PM
Posted 27 June 2002 - 03:58 PM
How about "you get over your cluelessness, dickface.
Word of advice to readers: Never, ever feel called upon to justify yourselves. I recall times when I've felt very red-faced and falteringly tried to explain. But generally the "get over it" brigade aren't very interested in listening to anything except their own flatulent stupidity.
Posted 27 June 2002 - 05:24 PM
Posted 28 June 2002 - 06:38 AM
hmmm...such an unfair demand to make of a survivor of any kinds isn't it?
How I respond to this really depends on the person standing in front of me. If it is someone who truly doesn't get it, and does not mean to be invalidating me then I try and shed some light on it for them. "The symptoms many people suffer after rape differ very little from war veterans. There is no effective way to minimize and get past what has happened to me. Believe me I have tried, and just putting it behind me doesn't work. Did you know that they recent research has shown that childhood sexual abuse actually changes the developing brain, and that these changes can be permanent? Sexual violence has the potential to change the most basic things about you; how you view the world, how you view yourself, and even how you think and react. I don't think it's possible to get over that." Then maybe, if they still are not convinced with a bit of sarcasm in my voice, "but thanks for the obviously well thought out advice. Get over it! Wow! Why didn't I think of that? You just cured me...if only you'd come along sooner I wouldn't have spent all that money on therapy. What exactly to you think I've been trying to do?"
No matter what I respond, because sometimes in all honesty I'll just shake my head and walk away, I think what is most important is to remember that statement comes from their ignorance and inadequacies and not mine. It point to a fault in them and not in me.
Posted 01 August 2002 - 01:49 PM
I don't say anything, it's usually time for me to take a walk when she says that.