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Posted by missophelia , 14 April 2013 · 120 views

Trigger warning. Something I've written. Please take gentle care if you read on. The trigger warning is for talk of suicide, but it isn't really talk of suicide. More talk of the feelings and thoughts surrounding suicide.

My weekend hasn't been wonderful. And it comes on the heels of me being sick with a horrible stomach flu. I lost a night to extreme stomach flu sickness, to put it nicely. I guess that's better than losing a night to nightmares and insomnia.

My urges to SI are pretty strong right now. I am hoping to get through the rest of the evening and night without giving in. Although, there is a part of me that wants to give in, because it would make my depression and the urges disappear, at least for now.

My depression still has me scared. When the waves of it hit, it's just this immediate kind of despair I have. The thoughts that race through my mind about not wanting to be on the planet, those thoughts are immediate, and scary. And yes, I have played through at least two scenarios on how I would leave this planet.

Thankfully, right now, I am not in that frame of mind.

Recently, Pastor Rick Warren lost his son to suicide. I clicked on a link to the story, and below the story were many heartfelt comments going out to the pastor and his family. Among those comments and expressions of sympathy, were many who were affected by the suicide of someone in their own lives. And a common thread, although it was not highlighted, was the reactions they had.

Which led me to write the following. I guess partly because, in imagining that if I took myself off the planet, I wonder how those in my life would react. Which would not, at this point, anyway, change my mind. Why? I think I have detailed that in what I have written.

I am not actively suicidal. The following is just me expressing how I feel. Just trying to make sense of some of my emotions about my life, how I feel about myself, and what is going on with me.

How would you react if I killed myself?

Would you be angry? Welcome to MY world. I am angry every day.

Would you curse my name? Stand in line. I do that on a regular basis.

Would you be lost, confused? I lost my way and myself a long time ago. Confusion as to why I am still here.

Would you miss me? Donít bother. Iím not worth it.

Would you judge me? Donít you dare. You have no idea what I deal with or what I have lived through.

Anyway, thank you for letting me express this.

I know I don't 'know' you but here goes anyway.

I would feel sad if you killed yourself. Sad that your extreme pain had overwhelmed your coping mechanisms. Sad that you would no longer have the chance to heal, because I believe in hope when all hope seems gone.

I would not feel angry (I find it hard to be angry). I would wish I could feel angry and use that anger to target the people and situations that cause the pain. To do some good. Not to be angry with you.

I would not curse your name. I would hold your name safe in my hands and bless it, its beauty and your beauty, the central you at your core that deserves to be held and cherished and never hurt.

I am lost, but not because of you. I would wish that someone had been able to keep a light on to guide you home. Just as I hope that I have a light to guide me home.

I would miss you. Everyone is worth it. If you are not worth it then in a funny sort of way my 6yo DD is not worth it either and that breaks my heart.

I would never judge you. I would feel sad for your pain.
Your dear friend saddens me as I understand what you are feeling. I haven't nor do I walk in your shoes but the shoes I do walk in seems to be the same size.

I cried when I read Susanna reply cuz I cannot say what she did any better and to convey any better how I feel about you and how I would feel if you were gone.

You are worth healing and enjoying all the good things life has to offer. I have a candle lit for you hoping the light of it finds you and shows hope.

Lots of love
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Apr 15 2013 05:50 PM
Susanna and bellachai

Thank you for reading, and listening. And thank you for your comments. They mean a lot to me.
Apr 16 2013 09:15 AM
This is beautiful. Both your posts and the replies. I wish I could be this organised in my thoughts.
Apr 16 2013 12:44 PM

Thank you.

And give it time. Your thoughts can get better like that. :)

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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    0 members, 3 guests, 0 anonymous users

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