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Slowly Recovering....

Posted by Ari , 11 August 2012 · 59 views

It's been almost a week since the horrbiel betrayal. I still do not know who is really behind everything and am having a hard time blaming my friend, though it is likley he had a hand in it someone, even if it was just making offhanded comments. Everything - every thought, tear, and possibility - hurts. I am not the type to sign a death warrent on a friendship until I have all the facts, but I have no idea how to get them.
But the worst part of all of this, is that I have been horribly triggered. The fact that this...woman (i really have no other name to call her by) took it upon herself to tell a friend of mine (who I had only known for 3 or 4 weeks) that I had been sexually abused as a kid has caused me great pain. It has caused all those feelings of powerlessness to come crashing back on me. It's crushing me. I am the only one who had the right to tell me friend anything about my past. Thankfully i had made a small mention to her in passing once so she wasn't a complete shock to her, but this woman did provide her with some details (she used to be my friend and so knows some stuff about my past). But still....i had to sit there with my friend and confirm the details.
and then this woman went on to say that she doubted I had been abused because I maintain a "relationship" with my abuser (no one knows what my relationship is like and hearing me talk on the phone means nothing). This brought back all the feelings I felt when no one believed what was happening to me - the hopelessness, the despaire....feeling worthless.
So here I sit, still trying to pull myself together, trying to feel whole again. I am trying to calm the tears and bring myself back to where I was but its not easy.
And with not knowing how much my guy friend truly believes, or how he was involved....I pray for a sign of what to do next. For now I am trying to hold my head high and take care of myself.

Ari- I'm so sorry you were betrayed like that, it's so unfair. You are absolutely correct in saying that only YOU have the right to tell anyone anything about your past. Stay strong and hang in there. Sending you positive energy and hugs if okay :hug:

July 2016

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