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I know that I don't normally put anything here, but I am in the mood to start journaling again, maybe it will help to express things. This is not really everything or explains everything it is just a bunch of feelings and things going on exploding into a writing so I can go back to my essay.
November 13, 2012
I so badly want to try and get the idea of my life right. I so badly want to make sense of everything that is going on. I so badly want to just feel like a normal human being. Yet no matter how badly I want these things the reality is that many times this will not be the case if ever. I am realizing how hard it is for me to deal with anything and everything anymore. I know part of it is exhaustion which will be dealt with when I finally have more than one day off, but the other part really is to do with I am tired of feeling like saying here I am beat me up with more words today whether you mean to be vicious or not, it still hurts. I am trying so hard to try to please everyone but the honest truth is that I am tired of trying to please people. I am tired of feeling like I am constantly a failure to everything.
God I know that you have given me a new freedom, but honestly everyday gets harder to believe it anymore and yet I keep pushing myself to do so. But seriously God, when is enough enough. Honestly I bought my mom a gift for her birthday and Christmas out of excitement, now realizing it would truly mean nothing to her. No matter how much it is hurtful I know that there is nothing I can do but just toss it to the side and say forget it. God I would like to go home, but yet I know it would do me no good. I would like to give her just one gift and yet I know that it will never be possible. I would like to have one conversation without degrading, but yet at the end I am considered worthless.
Honestly sometimes I wish I could just get a thick skin and be done. It is three years and I am no longer going to say anthing about any of this. I will keep my mouth shut from now on because no matter how I put it I know that what she says are lies but the honest truth is I just want to be loved…………Does anyone get that?
Well it doesn’t matter from this point on…………………………………QUIET!
I WILL NOT LET THE TEARS FALL
I WILL NOT LET PEOPLE KNOW
I WILL HIDE THE SCARS
I WILL KEEP ANYONE AWAY
I WILL TRAIN MYSELF TO NOT BE AFFECTED
NO MORE WILL I ASK FOR HELP
Honestly, will someone ask me how I am doing instead of always needing me. I am one person and honestly if someone asked I wouldn’t feel so lost………………….can anyone hear me? I guess not. Well goodnight world.
God please help I am ready to start my eating disorder and cutting again and I know that those are not the way to go…….PLEASE HELP!!
November 13, 2012
I so badly want to try and get the idea of my life right. I so badly want to make sense of everything that is going on. I so badly want to just feel like a normal human being. Yet no matter how badly I want these things the reality is that many times this will not be the case if ever. I am realizing how hard it is for me to deal with anything and everything anymore. I know part of it is exhaustion which will be dealt with when I finally have more than one day off, but the other part really is to do with I am tired of feeling like saying here I am beat me up with more words today whether you mean to be vicious or not, it still hurts. I am trying so hard to try to please everyone but the honest truth is that I am tired of trying to please people. I am tired of feeling like I am constantly a failure to everything.
God I know that you have given me a new freedom, but honestly everyday gets harder to believe it anymore and yet I keep pushing myself to do so. But seriously God, when is enough enough. Honestly I bought my mom a gift for her birthday and Christmas out of excitement, now realizing it would truly mean nothing to her. No matter how much it is hurtful I know that there is nothing I can do but just toss it to the side and say forget it. God I would like to go home, but yet I know it would do me no good. I would like to give her just one gift and yet I know that it will never be possible. I would like to have one conversation without degrading, but yet at the end I am considered worthless.
Honestly sometimes I wish I could just get a thick skin and be done. It is three years and I am no longer going to say anthing about any of this. I will keep my mouth shut from now on because no matter how I put it I know that what she says are lies but the honest truth is I just want to be loved…………Does anyone get that?
Well it doesn’t matter from this point on…………………………………QUIET!
I WILL NOT LET THE TEARS FALL
I WILL NOT LET PEOPLE KNOW
I WILL HIDE THE SCARS
I WILL KEEP ANYONE AWAY
I WILL TRAIN MYSELF TO NOT BE AFFECTED
NO MORE WILL I ASK FOR HELP
Honestly, will someone ask me how I am doing instead of always needing me. I am one person and honestly if someone asked I wouldn’t feel so lost………………….can anyone hear me? I guess not. Well goodnight world.
God please help I am ready to start my eating disorder and cutting again and I know that those are not the way to go…….PLEASE HELP!!
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Talk as much as you need on here, if it helps. Do you have someone to talk to in real life, a friend or a T? It will get easier with time. You are not worthless. You are worthy to be loved. You deserve to have your feelings considered, and you deserve to worry about you and not everyone else for a while.
Safe hugs if ok?
Toni