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realizations...

Posted by missophelia , 26 December 2013 · 140 views

Painful.
 
My parents are not what i would ever think they would be.
 
I spent some time christmas day with my dad.  And let me first say, I know he loves me.  I know he would be there for me if I ever had a financial problem.  He was when my car died earlier this year.
 
But, in watching my dad yesterday, I realized that my father is very self centered.
 
To him, money rules.  He has to have the best of everything.  He does not want to be associated with anything less.  And it dawned on me, yesterday, in watching him, that he is.  Very self centered.  Very concerned with appearances.  I love him, I always will. 
 
That is just how he is, I realize, although I don't think it's all sunk in quite yet.  I guess I am just seeing him in a whole different light than I ever did.
 
I spent some time today with my mother.  And I should have known better.
 
I feel like I let my guard down with her.  A while back, I did.  And, now that she knows it's down, it's just time for her to move in and "attack".
 
I don't want to get in to the particulars, but she made some comments today, in a nasty, brat on the playground, kind of way.  Full well knowing she was doing just that.    Which doesn't exactly surprise me.
 
I guess the realization is that she will never change, which I should have full well known by now.  AND, the realization that I'm a dupe.
 
I was taken in.  I could kick myself. 
 
Part of me is mad at myself for being taken in.  A bigger part of me is mad at her.  No, maybe furious is the word. 
 
Maybe I shouldn't be so mad at myself?  I think I've made progress, because after the last batch of comments from her, the worst ones, I was out of her house and down the road in a matter of 10 minutes.
 
I am so ready to be gone from my family.



I so agree with you missophelia. I am so ready to be gone from my family too. I need the space for some type of normalcy. My family is not normal or healthy in any way.

'Maybe I shouldn't be so mad at myself? I think I've made progress, because after the last batch of comments from her, the worst ones, I was out of her house and down the road in a matter of 10 minutes.'

:yay:

This is REALLY great. Good for you. And seeing your dad clearly is good too because (projecting from my experience) it will stop you feeling bound by him in any way, if you are...
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missophelia
Dec 28 2013 04:18 PM

lauru

 

I am sorry you have problems with your family, too.  I think that you should take all the space you need, especially if your family is not healthy or normal. You are what is most important. 

 

Take gentle care of you.

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missophelia
Dec 28 2013 04:20 PM

Susanna

 

Thanks. I really do feel it is progress.  Always before, I would just stay.  I can't do that anymore. 

 

And I don't know, I don't really feel bound by my dad.  I think I've always tried to strive to be something in his eyes that I now realize I can never be, and I don't think I want to. 

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Untangling-It-All
Dec 29 2013 06:46 PM

I am sorry for the realization of what your dad really is and that this is a painful thing. I know how hard it is to be disappointed by a parent, by who they actually are.

 

I think you did a wonderful thing for yourself by leaving within 10 minutes of the comments. You're not taking it any more. Good for you. That is really huge progress.

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missophelia
Dec 29 2013 07:20 PM

It is painful in a way, about my dad.  Although, I still feel more of a closeness with him then I ever will with my mother, there is still this distance between us that I don't think I will ever breach.

 

Thanks, and the more I think about it, I do think, good for me.  I think she was a little shocked that I just left.  But it feels good to me. 

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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

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