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its all going wrong again... going to pieces

Posted by Clemsta , 08 November 2013 · 131 views

Its all going so so so wrong.
with my brothers diagnosis of psychosis... and he's remembering.
i knew it wouldnt stay dead forever.
i tried to push it away and now its come up and is going to hit the fan
so not only have i got my own abuse to deal with... 
ive now got to face the abuser who hurt me... and my brother
it had been forgotten, pushed down for years and years and now i remember it all, he remembers it all.
what if mum and dad hate me for not telling them?
i dont want to have to talk or face this and now i have no choice
its all so shit. 
is it any wonder i tried to top myself?
is it any wonder i self harm
is it any wonder im on medication
or in therapy.
from start to finish my life is nothing but a serious of fucked up events
one after another.
abuse abuse abuse, rape, abuse, violent and emotional head fucking boyfriends.
I have no idea how I'm still here and hanging on. 

But you are here hanging on and that is big. I have often asked myself that same question. Someone or something bigger than I must have a plan I am not aware of. So very sorry this is happening. This whole mess is hard enough to deal with when we can set our own time schedule but to have it thrust out there like this has got to be earth shattering. Keep reaching out for help. Please remember through this whole process that you only need to be responsible for taking care of yourself. Not your parents or you brother. Hard as that may be to take in at times. Be gentle with you.

i keep thinking thing have to get better some day! it can't just be one thing after another. 

It's so hard to be kind to me when i feel like its my fault. i know rationally i was 6... a child, a toddler really.

My therapist always says I'm to hard on myself... self blaming, self harming, internalizing everything.

Because its all fresh and new its very hard to deal with. especially as im not at home, and all alone at uni.

I feel so alone.

had to deal with the abuse when i was a teen and now this has come up from the surface. 

i just want it all to go away

September 2014

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