Pandora's Aquarium: Stuck with myself, mild trigger warning - Pandora's Aquarium

So... I needed to cash a check today and hadn't opened a bank account yet since I moved back home. Someone told me stop and shop grocery store sometimes cashes checks even if you don't have an account, but once I got there a lady at the desk convinced me to open a bank account (from the bank situated inside) I didn't really want to, but decided to anyway. She led me into an office and to my horror the guy working was the younger brother of my ex-boyfriend (my first serious boyfriend who I lost my virginity to) The brother and I had an awkward exchange, and it was obvious that he still doesn't like me for breaking up with his brother years ago. I tried to make the whole process of opening the account as brief as possible, all the while mortified. Meanwhile, he kept making veiled insults at me, and asking incredibly personal and intrusive questions about my life (obviously so he could relay them to his brother) I tried to deflect the questions but he wouldn't stop. At one point when he was asking me if I was married I just said yes (after all, I AM still married, and I didn't feel the need to tell this jerk I am in the process of getting divorced.) He gave me a skeptical look, and then rudely asked, "If you're married then why does it say MS. on your check instead of MRS?" I wanted to slap him across the face.

After I left I stupidly cried in the car, I'm not even sure why. What do I care what he thinks of me? But the truth is, the whole conversation left me feeling like such a failure in life. What have I become? What have I done to myself? I just kept remembering the disgust in his face and the mocking tone of his voice. He was disdainful of me, but I think what upset me was more how I feel about myself than how he feels about me.

On the drive home all I could think of was how much I wanted to hurt myself. The thought of taking my pain inside and letting it out somehow was frighteningly appealing. I haven't felt that way in many years, since I was sixteen. I hate myself so much sometimes it's overwhelming. It's one thing when you hate someone else you can just keep your distance from them, but when the person you despise most is yourself, there's no escape. And while there are times I can see the good in me, most days I see my failures, and my weaknesses. Sometimes I just wish I could free of this world, but I can't because for all my flaws, I'd never be that selfish. So I carry on, wrapped in a cloak of sadness.

Sorry for whining, I just needed to vent.