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After I left I stupidly cried in the car, I'm not even sure why. What do I care what he thinks of me? But the truth is, the whole conversation left me feeling like such a failure in life. What have I become? What have I done to myself? I just kept remembering the disgust in his face and the mocking tone of his voice. He was disdainful of me, but I think what upset me was more how I feel about myself than how he feels about me.
On the drive home all I could think of was how much I wanted to hurt myself. The thought of taking my pain inside and letting it out somehow was frighteningly appealing. I haven't felt that way in many years, since I was sixteen. I hate myself so much sometimes it's overwhelming. It's one thing when you hate someone else you can just keep your distance from them, but when the person you despise most is yourself, there's no escape. And while there are times I can see the good in me, most days I see my failures, and my weaknesses. Sometimes I just wish I could free of this world, but I can't because for all my flaws, I'd never be that selfish. So I carry on, wrapped in a cloak of sadness.
Sorry for whining, I just needed to vent.