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Posted by Tsuena , 12 July 2013 · 125 views

I don't know how much the members of this site read blogs... because this post, and indeed probably this blog, is purely selfish, and while my constant need for acceptance and validation means I haven't made this private, I don't want to offend or upset anyone. This is pretty much my naked thoughts, rambly and not particularly all that sensitive, and hopefully full of vaguely intelligent thoughts about my life. Know that I love you all already, and have nothing but the greatest respect for your courage, compassion and trust. Also, forgive my paranoia. And my rambles. :bawling:


Reading the devastatingly detailed accounts of abuse, assault and rape on this site has reminded me, not for the first time by far, how crap my memory is. While some survivors can remember traumatic events from the age of two or even earlier, I don't remember things from a few years, sometimes even months, ago. My detailed memory of 'the Incident' itself is getting shakier by the day... and we're only a few days off six months now. You wouldn't think something that's messed me up so much could be so easily washed away... but Tsu's terrible memory strikes again. It's a wonder I can remember my own name sometimes.

I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse. Certainly, in situations like those we've all been through here, it'd be easier not to remember... maybe. Though I imagine it'd be maddening if you couldn't remember the reason you felt like this. But I'm scared, scared that the few details I do remember clearly and without doubt will fade to match those that are clouded through fear, confusion, self-blame, police doubt, and a shitload of alcohol.

Can't even write that latter without adding a disclaimer of 'I'm an idiot'. Great.

So... I want to write the details down. Not just of that day (and probably not for a while, tbh) but of all the days I'm going through at the moment. To employ a cliché, the good, the bad and the ugly. But also the beautiful. Because surprisingly, there's been a lot of them, mainly thanks to some wonderful friends, but also thanks to the beauty of performing arts, something I have never felt so comfortable doing as that time when I barely felt comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes I feel guilty for that. Sometimes I feel thankful. Sometimes I wonder when the bomb's going to drop and I'll disappear into a big black hole of... well, everything I haven't felt so far.

Ugh. I wish I could control this whole emotional response thing. Wouldn't that be easier? To go, "I've been raped. I will respond with appropriate devastation, followed by anger directed at the culprit rather than my closest friends and the law, followed by a timely amount of depression that doesn't stop me from progressing at uni, followed by gradual healing, then finally happiness." If onlyyy.

Yeah... to say this whole thing frustrates me is a little bit of an understatement.

Where was I? Ramble ramble... Yup... So, this is a daily blog/journal/whatever this thing may be. And I've never managed to keep a daily anything in my life, so let's be realistic and just say... when something happens, or I feel it, it'll be here. So that this can be my memory. Because whether things are wonderful or terrible, they'll affect me for longer than I can remember them, and it's better to recall why. And honestly? It's always good to see where you've come from.

I hope.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry that you've got to go through this. I know how tough it is not being able to remember such a traumatic event. :(

When I was younger, something happened to me and to this day I cannot remember what exactly those people did to me. All I have left to hint at what was done is ways I would act out. It hurts me so much to not be able to remember what happened to me... but since you can still remember, even just a little, perhaps you should write down what happened to you to look back at for future reference (like if a therapist needs to know what happened to you). Writing about the experience proves to be therapeutic to some people, by the way.

And of course, when you write your experience down, you should feel ready to do so. Don't force yourself to revisit what happened if you feel that it is going to cause you to become far too overwhelmed.

And hey, if you should ever need to talk to someone, I'm always here to listen. I can't promise that I can give you great advice or anything (although I'll try!), but I'm here for emotional support if you need it. :)
Thanks so much, Parlophone. I wasn't sure if anyone reads blogs, but it feels really nice to know someone understands. It would be terrible to have to deal with all these side effects and not to know why, I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I guess your head's still trying to protect you from something and won't listen to you until it's ready. That's horrible... but probably for a reason.

I will write it eventually. I don't have too much of a problem with relating what happened... I've had to do it for several people and my head always just goes into a numb, slightly shaky state... I think everyone here calls it dissociating. I just want to feel like I've given more to this community before I throw my story at them. Everyone's been through so much pain, it feels worse than any of my own. I worry a lot about judgement, even where I know there isn't any. :blush:

Thanks for that offer, it means a lot. I can definitely promise the same in return, if you need it. :)
Ah, I know what it's like feeling that you're burdening others with your problems... but I can assure you that you're not burdening anyone here. We're all here to support each other, so don't feel bad about wanting to share your story. Once you're ready to tell it, we'll all be there to give you a bunch of love, hugs, and support. :)

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