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This question came to me today. Was it worth it? Was it worth sacrificing over a quarter of my life to him? Was it worth everything that happened?
I can't deny good things came out of my marriage. I have my beautiful kids and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I wouldn't have met a lot of the wonderful people that I have or done the things I have.
And I can't say that he destroyed my hopes and dreams. I really didn't have many when we first started going out. I was too busy surviving. Others had hurt me before that yet I had never addressed it. I wasn't living, I was simply marking time.
But was it worth it?
No. It wasn't.
It wasn't worth all the pain and hurt and everything else. It wasn't worth the scars, both physical and psychological. And it wasn't worth feeling like my very heart and soul being ripped apart.
I won't deny the good things that came from my marriage,that would be incredibly short sighted. But I will also not deny the cost that those things came at. In some ways it makes them all the more precious. In others it makes my sometimes ambivilance towards those things understandable.
He used to tell me "It will cost you." but I doubt that he would even begin to understand the real price I have paid. And it is his fault. His responsibility. His shame. But my burden to bear.
I can't deny good things came out of my marriage. I have my beautiful kids and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I wouldn't have met a lot of the wonderful people that I have or done the things I have.
And I can't say that he destroyed my hopes and dreams. I really didn't have many when we first started going out. I was too busy surviving. Others had hurt me before that yet I had never addressed it. I wasn't living, I was simply marking time.
But was it worth it?
No. It wasn't.
It wasn't worth all the pain and hurt and everything else. It wasn't worth the scars, both physical and psychological. And it wasn't worth feeling like my very heart and soul being ripped apart.
I won't deny the good things that came from my marriage,that would be incredibly short sighted. But I will also not deny the cost that those things came at. In some ways it makes them all the more precious. In others it makes my sometimes ambivilance towards those things understandable.
He used to tell me "It will cost you." but I doubt that he would even begin to understand the real price I have paid. And it is his fault. His responsibility. His shame. But my burden to bear.
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1 Comments On This Entry
Keep in mind it was worth it for him and you are bearing his burden and responsibilities. Try to let go of what is not yours to feel guilty about. You have more than paid your dues and suffered enough. Take good care of you first for a change. Blessings
bellachai,
23 August 2010 - 09:21 PM
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About my blog
This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
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Was it worth it?
on Aug 23 2010 07:57 PM
