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As I have already said, there wasnít really anything new happening now, just repeats of old shit. I was sort of just existing and I would cry at the drop of a hat. I felt so alone and began doing stupid things to try to win some friends. I really only exceeded in hurting myself more.
I was feeling sick all the time. I went to bed and cried like I usually did. I couldnít stop crying and I was feeling really low. I decided that it was time to end it. I got one of the knives that I was collecting and tried to stab myself, I was so scared I kept thinking that if I mucked up I would be in more trouble. My mum must have heard me crying because she came into my room. I hid the knife under the doona and tried to stop crying before she could see.
She asked me what was wrong and I tried to tell her. I couldnít get any more than I hate that school out. She told me that I should be glad to go to that school, They were working real hard to be able to pay the fees and it would give me all sorts of opportunities. I should be thankful because lots of other boys wouldnít get the opportunity. I kept saying you donít understand and she would ask what donít I understand, I kept trying to tell her but couldnít. I started getting angry and told her that she didnít care, She told me I was being stupid. I told her that I wouldnít go back to that school She told me that I didnít have a choice. I pulled the knife back out I told her that I would kill myself if I had to go back there. She held my hand and talked to me, I calmed down a bit and stupidly allowed her to take the knife, she said that she had no idea that it was that bad and that If I gave it one more week and it didnít improve then she would take me out. She never asked me how it was going though. And I never got taken out of that school.
I sort of crashed on like this for ages, I would get really depressed and want to die. I started to take stupid risks on the bike, I was too scared to try to kill myself. I thought that if I did it in an accident then It would be different. I regularly crashed my bike and injured myself. It didnít matter to me because at least I was in control of the pain. I also found that I could write off other bruises as part of the accident.
The same stuff kept happening but I joined the school Judo club and was only on the train station on Fridays. Judo also helped me because I could control my falls and get up quickly and avoid getting kicked as often. I would still get hurt and still got punched to the ground but at least I wasnít getting planted as much. I still kept to myself and rode myself into the ground.
I got in trouble for taking a noose to school, I got punished when I got home and Mum said that she thought that stuff had finished, I told her that she never listened and that nothing had changed, she told me that I was lying and making it up