Pandora's Aquarium: the things my husband said today... and old ghosts - Pandora's Aquarium

okay. so i don't use this blog often... it's just that i have not alot of time and i really need to record what happened today... the shock i felt... the way i still feel about it now...my mother-in-law took the kids so that we would have some time to clean the house today. me and my husband got a twelve pack to make the job a little more enjoyable. as we were working on it, we were getting progressively more drunk. i was talking about my meeting with the cops tomorrow. frustration with the system, etc...my husband was about five beers deep and all of a sudden he says "you need to take me in there the next time that you go talk to McGinty (commonwealth attorney)" he was saying that he would ask me to leave so he could have a moment to talk to him alone and that he would tell him "you fix it... or I WILL". he just let out ALL of this anger and hatred that i hadn't seen before, at my perpetrator. he was talking about how he had almost got in a fight with him before he even knew me, but after the rape would've happened... he kept saying that he wished he would've known then. this brought up the "old days" when me and my husband first got together eight years ago. back then, he was 22- i was 19... life was crazy. during that time, we shared a house with a lot of people and one of the guys who had been in the car the night i was raped and did nothing came over as a guest of a roomate's. My husband chased him in a car across town, hitting him in the fender, etc... husband was talking about how, a year earlier- once again before he knew me- he had choked this same guy with a broom handle over acting arrogant and cocky... just wierd... led into the wierdest part of the whole conversation...Will. This guy that you would've thought was cool. oh God, I can't even write about this right now and that is what i came here to do... get it out- he.... man i can't do it. i guess what is really screwing with me right now is that i've never been able to understand why he just flipped and came after me... it's always haunted me cuz i had him pegged as good people...tonight, my husband told me why... and he didn't just tell me.... he said "you know why he came after you, don't you?... come on... you gotta know..." then when he could tell that i didn't, he tried to tell me gently.... and when he told me, he said, that's why i wanted to kill him- that is why i held him for you...and he did. he held him for me and i puched him in the face so many times that my hand became bruised and swollen... i kicked him while he was on the ground... over and over again... this guy who i thought was decent.... who am i? who was that person that couldn't stop beating him....who was he?he got off the ground and came after me with everyone watching... his eyes just focused on me... what the hell was he thinking?or at least that is what i wondered all these years... my husband's words... he knew in the begininng, he knew that night... he knew then what i have never allowed myself to understand...and i can't express it yet... just the pain of it.he deserved to have his ass beat. shit, we even took him inside- cleaned him up and called his parents to come get his sorry ass. when they showed up, my husband brought them to me and had me tell them what he had done... they apologized to me- said that he had done the same thing the week before and basically thanked us for calling them instead of leaving him there bleeding...what is okay? when in violence okay?i wouldn't change what i did, but some part of me still regrets it- not enough to change it- and even more of me would DO IT AGAIN...what does that mean about me?so very confused... :down:/>