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The Silence is growing

Posted by Mand , 12 March 2014 · 58 views

Usually by now, I am starting to feel anxious, fearful about seeing my T tomorrow. Instead, I notice I am feeling....nothing. There is no excitement, no anticipation at seeing her. Instead, I have an inner silence. And the silence is growing. It is now outside as well as inside. My family are saying "Are you alright You are very quiet". And I smile and say "I'm fine" and I resent their intrusion into my silence. My silence is very personal. It is selfish. It is me. I am using it as a barrier.
 
As I write that, it makes sense. My silence is a defence. It is the defence that the Silent One is using. And she is giving it to me. To show my T She cannot speak. She will not let me near her. She is now dominant in my house of Mand's. Whilst she sits at the door, I cannot approach the house. I cannot pass her. The garden is empty. The sun has gone. A cold wind is blowing, yet there is no sound. I cannot hear the wind rustling the leaves. There is no birdsong. Only the silence. The strong, impenetrable silence.
 
How do I show this to my T How can I lead her hear Do I even want to? Am I ready? I do not know. Yarn said I need to accept the Silent One. And she is right. I know this. I know acceptance is healing. But I cannot get near her. She will not let me.



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yarnfoolishness
Mar 12 2014 05:43 PM

Can you accept her while allowing her distance?  Maybe she just wants you to really see her right now, just see and nothing more?

 

I ask because my Little wouldn't let me near for the longest time.  It was almost as if she had to watch me to see what I would do.  I don't know if that makes sense?

 

Or maybe her silence is the message?  Maybe Silence is what she has to show you for now?

 

For your T - maybe you could just print this post and bring it?

 

Thinking of you.

Your second paragraph resonates greatly. She is watching. She is waiting. I am so relieved someone else understands. It is the oddest thing. I find her most disconcerting. She really does scare me. Thank you for responding Yarn, it means a lot.
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yarnfoolishness
Mar 13 2014 11:46 AM

:metoyou:

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