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i dont know if it happened again :'(

Posted by tamz , 01 June 2012 · 68 views

Im so confused. I have no idea what happened last night. So this is what I wrote last night:

I just know that im extremely upset and scared and just downright vulnerable :'( 
Im desperately trying to hold onto the facts of what just happened but im absolutely exhausted and ive had a few (pints) so i have no clue whats going on.
I just remember him (my bf) being there, in me. And i have no clue how he got there! I vaguely remember telling him what the hell and he moved. Its i dont know how long ago but already everything is a blur. I remember lying there in tears, him apologising. I asked what happened and he said he thought I wanted it, thought I kissed him back but i have no recollection of anything! But then he said he thought I was asleep. That he would understand if i held it against him for the rest of his life, that he wants me to dump him because of it.
Im scared, I feel like my mind is just making it up, like it didnt really happen, again. How could it? This is the guy who's supposed to love me, how could this happen. Do I just have slag written across my forehead?!
And now he's saying he thought it was what I wanted but he can see why I might think otherwise so he's leaving but he has nowhere to go and tbh its just making me feel like I'm in the wrong. Like I'm blowing this all out of proportion, like I just don't "give a sh*t about him* like he put it even though I'm just downright confused!! 

Maybe you can all shed some light on this, help me with my feelings. This morning I'm confused and scared and I'm not even sure if I should. He stopped as soon as I told him to but I have.no recollection of ANYTHING before that point :'(



from what i hear you are feeling very violated by his actions, and you are feeling scared and confused and unsafe. I hear that you dont trust his explanations on why he acted this way since hes contradicting himself. I hear that you feel diminished and that you dont have the right to feel the way you feel, and that you are getting blamed and/or handed the responsibility both for what happened and for how you both are handling it now "And now he's saying he thought it was what I wanted but he can see why I might think otherwise"this sentence tells me that he is not at all listening to your pain and confusion and how violated you feel.

Thanks for your reply.

What do I do now? How do we move on from this? :(


content warning

I will try to keep any reference to specific SI behaviour to a minimum however reference to the assault will not always be censored. I don't want to trigger anyone so just want you to be warned. Most of the time it will be okay but just so you are aware. Take gentle care.

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