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Who Deserves to Be Here? Repost
Posted 12 July 2011 - 06:51 PM
When i was in 6th grade (i was 11), i met a boy (ill call him E). E didnt have friends and could be rude and mean but i tried to be nice to him and be friendly. a few months into me trying to be his friend he started saying sexual things to me and these two other girls. he slapped one on the ass, followed one home, and said things to all of us. he would push his leg between mine in class or kiss the back of my head when i wasnt looking and he would tell me how when we were 16 we were going to have sex and how i was gonna have his kids. i tried to push him off and after that year it ended. Durring the next two years, the other two girls forgave him because he became more popular (though no one liked him) but i did not. he used this to make fun of me, such as when playing b ball he would say "i cant guard her she will accuse me of sexual assault again". people stood up for me but it was still hurtful. i blocked him online from facebook twice but when we told the school they never did anything besides tell him to stop. when i graduated middle school i figured that was all over.
I was fine for all of freshman year, but at the begining of my sophmore year i met a boy (we will call him C) through my then bf. i was 14. we had a party one day and we were all smoking weed and drinking. at one point he ordered me to give him oral sex. i said no and my bf pulled him away. later he tried climbing on top of me and taking my pants off. the first few times i could push him off but he overpowered me. then my friends would pull him off. he put his hand down my pants but was always taken off before he touched me. i forgave him because he was only 13 and was high. it was hard to deal with because everyone acted like it was no big deal and it reminded me of what had happened with C.
Sophmore year of high school i went to a party at a boys house (we will call him J). he had a gf. later he told me he thought i was very attractive and would i have a date with him. he said he and his gf were not exclusive. he first implied i would have to do things for him because he was brining weed. i said no and canceled out plans. when we did end up hanging out i said not to exspect anything. we did end up kissing and stuff but then he was like you cant do this you need to do something to me. he held my hand on his erection through his pants. he begged me to have sex with him. i said
i want you but...
he said then take me
i said you arent him to take
he flipped me over so he was on top of me and with a dead look in his eyes said
"well i cuold just take you anyways", implying without my permission. He held me there a few minutes. i was scared but he realized what he was saying and eventually backed off and left. he felt awful about it so i said dont worry. i only told my 2 closest friends about it because i was never sure if he and his gf were REALLY in an open relationship. seeing him scares the hell out of me and for a while his profile pic on fb was just his eye. it reminded me of when he glared down at me and it terrified me. i told my current bf about all of these (i am now 16 and going to be a junior in highschool). He is very supportive but worried often that i will get raped or taken advantage of if he isnt there to protect me.
because i was never RAPED i have trouble knowing if im just making a big deal out of nothing or if i belong here. i dont really have anyone to talk to and often have to stop doing things with my bf because things will remind me of E, C, or J.
Posted 24 July 2011 - 09:41 PM
Posted 23 October 2011 - 07:26 AM
"Once you choose hope, anything is possible." - Christopher Reeve
Posted 22 November 2011 - 07:50 AM
I was raped when I was too drunk to fully comprehend what was happening or to defend myself, by someone I believed was a friend of mine and therefore would never do such a thing. Someone I thought I was helping by giving him a place to crash for the night so he wouldn't have to drive home "drunk".
I have spent the last year and a half blaming myself for what happened. For not being able to help myself. For the decisions I made, regardless of the fact that I was drunk and wasn't capable of making the kind of choices I would have made had I not been drunk. For not realizing that he was lying to me about being drunk when in fact, he wasn't. For letting him take advantage of me. For everything that happened that night. I am beginning to realize though, that aside from trying to find whose fault it is, I do deserve to hurt from this and heal.
So thank you for these words; I needed to know that I too, deserve to heal.
Posted 06 December 2011 - 09:07 PM
The mothers of these two children are sisters. The father of the little girl is furious with the boy who did this, and insists that the girl have no contact with him...my daughter/the mother agrees. The little girl, who is now 5, says she doesn't want to be around the boy, now 14, alone, but the mother doesn't want her to have to be around him at all. The mother of the boy thinks this is blown out of proportion and she doesn't "get it." Consequently, she is angry and separating herself to some extent from me and from my daughter. I have two brothers in their late 50's like I am, and they are calling what this boy did "experimentation" and think that him going to court was unnecessary, and it could have been handled "in the family." :(/>
Thanksgiving was horrible because of all the separation, even though I have been imploring the sisters to keep up their relationship. One of my brothers wants to have a holiday dinner and "get everyone together," stating basically that everyone needs to get over this and go on with life. There is still lots of anger, misunderstanding, and anxiety. My question for anyone reading this is how do we handle holidays and family get-togethers now?? I don't want to "force" the little girl and my daughter to have a dinner at my house if they are uncomfortable around each other, and the boy will be watched like a hawk, despite what my brother is saying.
Any advice....please? (Thanks in advance!!!)
Posted 07 December 2011 - 11:39 AM
Posted 09 December 2011 - 08:57 PM
Any advice....please? (Thanks in advance!!!)
Tough situation for sure. You probably could start a whole, brand-new post on this one situation... but this is my first post here, so I can't say for sure.
I feel that anybody who needs to mourn is entitled to, let them keep the distance and don't permit anybody to tell somebody else what they should be feeling. I think that sometimes a most important part of moving on is selecting when it is wise to do so.
If I were speaking to my family. I would let them know that what happened is hurtful and explain that 'so-and-so' needs the time apart. "If any of you really want to understand how 'so-and-so' feels and are willing to help him/her grieve this, then they would love to have your - my family's - support." If anybody feels bothered by their decision, apologize for the hurt others may be experiencing and explain that it isn't about payback or revenge. If they are really struggling to be compassionate with your decision, you might kindly point out the irony of their discomfort and invite them to 'not make "so-and-so's" decision a bigger deal than it is' or 'to just let go and move on'.
I am sorry to hear about your family's injury. On a note of long-term advice: I found out within the last 2 years that my abuser and our family went through a similar situation years ago (where I was possibly going to be put in fostercare), before he began abusing me. Given your situation, I'd be extra careful to ensure that the young in my grand-family were directly and carefully taught what inappropriate behavior was and to simply 'be sure to tell one of your parents, and we'll take care of things'. I'd also be sure assert that their parents can protect them. If I could, I'd search out resources and find pertinent classes for my (adult) children to attend - that teach them how to handle situations. My parents never had this conversation with me and never opened up these 'doors of communication' so even though part of me knew I should tell my parents, felt comfortable doing so or knew how to go about it.
In my opinion, it most certainly shouldn't have been 'just handled' in the family: (1) it was illegal AND (2) the victim and families involved need appropriate professional support - which I'd believe that, even being a victim and father myself, no family is prepared to provide.
Posted 22 January 2012 - 04:59 PM
I just so desperately want a normal life where I am able to let a man in, to trust him, to be comfortable with sex and enjoy it, to be comfortable with flirting, with compliments, with non-sexual touch, with emotional intimacy. I hate that I am 30 years old with dreams of having a family and I've yet to be in a long-term relationship because I can't handle it and don't trust that a man could possibly have good intentions when it comes to me. This is not who I really am and I don't want things to be like this anymore. But I've never talked to anybody about the things that happened because it was never rape so "it doesn't count" and I don't deserve to get help. I never asked for help to deal with all of these feelings because I was afraid people would think I was just trying to get attention - I don't want attention, I just want all of it to go away so I can move on and be free from all of it...so I can be whole again.
And I just have to say something to grandma21 - if you love this little girl, you (and her mother) will do whatever you have to, to show her that what was done to her was not okay and should not just be swept under the rug like it was nothing, if you love her you will show her and tell her that you take it seriously and that you will not allow her to be put in a situation where it could potentially happen again. I understand the pain of seeing your family fall apart but do not force this little girl to be around the person who abused her for the sake of the family - if you do that you are in a sense allowing the abuse to continue even if he never touches her again and you are signalling to her that she was part of a dirty secret that should just be ignored - she will end up feeling shame about what happened and blame herself and this is not okay. That boy may be a child himself but he did a terrible thing to her, SHE is the victim and should not be made to feel like she's responsible for making your family fall apart so you make sure that she knows that she is heard, that she is loved and she is protected and that you will move heaven and earth to keep her safe. I am begging you to trust me on this because I was that little girl.
Posted 30 January 2012 - 07:46 PM
I send you all a big hug and love from one very hurt person to the next. =)
Posted 01 February 2012 - 10:48 PM
When my sister was six year old, a 13 year old female cousin began sexually abusing her. No one knew what was happening (I didn't for years) but my cousins were really close to us so they were around a lot. My sister was shy and quiet, and I'm sure it made her an easy target. I believe my cousin was probably molested at some point in her life as well, but I think she hated my sister out of jealousy because her father (my mom's brother) adored my sister and he doted on her a lot. My sister's love for him played a big role in her silence. She knew he'd be devastated if he found out what his daughter had done, so she never told.
A few years after the abuse began when my cousin turned 18, she began drinking and partying a lot. She was pretty promiscuous too. Her father didn't approve of her behavior, so he kicked her out of his house, hoping it would be a wake up call for her to get her life together. My mom let her stay with us, which was a huge mistake.
We had a large house with plenty of extra bedrooms, but my cousin chose to stay in my sister's room. I was just a kid so it didn't strike me as odd, but I resent my mother for not being concerned. What 18 year old girl would choose to sleep in the same bed as a ten year old when she could have her own room?
I won't get into all the details, but there were tons of signs that something was wrong, and my mom chose to ignore them, even when one of my aunts expressed her concerns about my cousin's behavior after my cousin made a pass at her husband while they were visiting. I harbor so much anger toward my mom for burying her head in the sand & allowing my cousin to be around 3 young & impressionable little girls(we have another sister too). But my mom has always been that way, and I don't believe she would have helped my sister even if she told then. Mom was always more concerned with her extended family than us: she hasn't changed even now that she knows what happened and my sister is dead.
One day, my cousin was babysitting us and my sisters started arguing over what they wanted to watch on TV.My cousin go angry and she choked my sister (the one she was molesting). My sister was distraught, but being a kid myself, I didn't know what to do. My other sister and I were afraid to tell on our cousin. I feel so much guilt for that now.
My cousin eventually moved out of state when she met some guy and took off with him. Her life spiraled out of control, and so did my sister's. One night our family has gone out to dinner for my birthday, and my sister got into an argument with my little brother. My mom got angry with her and she had this total meltdown. I couldn't figure out why she was so upset, but I was worried about her. I went to her room to try to calm her down. We were very close; inseparable most of the time, and she would usually respond to me more than anyone else when she was upset. We had no secrets from each other, or so I thought until that night.
When I went to her room to try to talk to her, she told me about being molested. At that time, she was 11 and I was 13. I was devastated, and I begged her to tell. She told me the abuse had stopped and the person wasn't around anymore. She refused to tell me who it was. I was desperate to help her, but she made me promise to keep her secret. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to tell, but she told me she'd deny it if I did. I had no proof and I didn't even know who hurt her. So I didn't say anything. We talked about it off and on again, and I tried to persuade her to open up, but she wouldn't.
From that point on, I was paranoid about everyone and I obsessed over who hurt her. But I never would have guessed it was another girl.
By the time we were teenagers, my sister was getting worse. When she was 15, she started dating a 19 year old. My parents allowed it because he was a good boy.He was a really nice guy:he and I were good friends too, but it was stupid of them to allow a 15 year old to date a boy that old. By that time, she was drinking a lot and sexually active. My parents caught the two of them drinking together at our house one night in our basement when they thought no one was around, but they didn't do much about it. I was upset when I found out: I felt like they should have punished her more severely to try to get her to stop.
By the time she was 16, she as smoking pot too. I left home to go to college that same year, but my school was just an hour away so she came to stay with me pretty often on the weekends. My mom brought her up to visit one weekend. That Saturday night, she decided to go to an off campus party while I was out on a date. She was going with one of my guy friends from home and I made him promise to take care of her, but she ditched him and got drunk. She drove my car while she was drunk. I was furious with her for doing something so stupid, so we had a fight. She had a meltdown and she finally told me it was our cousin who abused her. I was in shock. Then, I had a flash of a memory I'd forgotten.
One time while my cousin was staying with us, my mom was having the house painted. My sister and my cousin were sleeping in my room while the paint in her bedroom was drying. I'd fallen asleep downstairs watching a movie, but I woke up and when I went to my room, I saw them in my bed. I don't want to get too graphic, but my sister had her mouth on my cousin's breast. I was half asleep, and I was too young to really understand what I was seeing. My cousin looked at me with a calm, reassuring expression and told me that "they were just playing a game and everything was ok". She told me to go downstairs and go back to sleep. So I did, and I didn't remember anything the next day.
The next morning after my sister's drunk driving episode, my mom came and picked her up and took her home. I called my dad ( I knew I couldn't confide in my mom about what my sister had done) and told him about the drinking. I didn't tell him about my cousin, but I told him I thought my sister had a drinking problem and needed help. He told me he'd have a talk with her, but he thought I was over reacting. I continued to beg him to do something with her over the next few months, but he thought that since her grades were so good and he didn't catch her doing anything that she was just "going thru a wild stage". She managed to graduate from high school early, but she was doing drugs and drinking the whole time and my parents were clueless. She eventually moved in with me when she got accepted to the same college. I was hoping I could at least watch out for her if she was with me. Her grades continued to be good, but she didn't stop. Finally, my parents started to see that she had a problem when she and I got into a huge fight and she moved in with her boyfriend. She stopped going to class and she was high all the time, but by the she was 19 and they couldn't do anything.
One weekend she showed up at home stoned out of her mind and my mom confronted her. She got violent with my mom and told her all about my cousin. She finally agreed to go to rehab. But by that time, we also found out she'd been drugged and gang raped at a party too. She'd gotten pregnant and had an abortion. She was a mess.
She was diagnosed with bipolar I and PTSD in rehab, and they put her on meds but she wasn't consistent with them and even though she got clean and eventually went back to school, she still indulged in a lot of risky behavior, including dating bad men. Then when she was 22, she found out she was pregnant again. This time she chose to keep the baby. But she wasn't sure who the father was because she'd been dating 2 guys. She told both of them but one guy told her to "get rid of it" and he left the country. The other guy she was dating told her he loved her and he didn't care if the baby was his or not. He wanted to be with her and raise the child. They moved back to where my parents lived and they got married after my nephew was born. He worked and she was a stay at home mom. She was great at it. But their relationship was still pretty troubled, and my sister was sure that the other guy was my nephew's father and she wouldn't stop obsessing over the other guy. She and her husband got a divorce less than a year later and she got a DNA test. The other guy was his father. Her decision to contact the jerk who left her was the beginning of the end of her life.
He came back into the picture and decided he wanted to be a dad. So she let him. He convinced her to move away with him, and so she left the nice home she had and moved into a dumpy apartment with her son. My parents and my nephew were heartbroken. The poor kid was ripped away from all of his family and the only dad he'd ever known. The guy was abusive and he convinced my sister to go off her meds so he could control her. She for pregnant again and he insisted she have an abortion this time. She eventually had a nervous breakdown. She went off the deep end and got arrested because the cops who found her thought she was drunk. They beat her senseless, and she never recovered mentally. He dumped her and she was put in a mental health facility for awhile. The cops who brutalized her were never held responsible.
She got out of the hospital eventually but she was never herself again. She moved in with my parents and they took care of her and her son. My nephew's dad still visited him regularly, but he was also an alcoholic. He stopped coming around for awhile and my sister was mad about it because of her son. She was convinced he was drinking again. On the night of November 16th 2005, she called him about it and the two of them got into a huge fight on the phone. She told my brother about the argument late that night. My brother was worried that she was manic, but she calmed down a bit and they both went to bed. After everyone had gone to sleep, she took off and apparently decided to confront him face to face. But she never made it there.
She was killed in a car accident, and based on where it happened we are pretty sure she was on her way to his house. Her car went off a cliff so no one saw it until the next morning. By that time my parents knew she was missing and they were searching for her when the county coroner showed up at their door. She was 26 years old.
I truly believe that the tragic chain of events that destroyed her life never would have happened if my cousin hadn't abused her. Being molested destroyed her innocence and eventually her mind. Her son lives with my parents because his dad didn't want him full-time. He's a monster, and he's done a lot of things to mess with my nephew's mind. My mom is now an alcoholic because she can't deal with her guilt and my dad works all the time to escape. My nephew is 9 years old and he's so disturbed that I refuse to leave him alone in the same room as my 4 year old son. My mom is trying to get sober and I've been begging my dad to get counseling for my nephew, but so far he hasn't. I feel like my parents are burying their heads in the sand with him just like they did my sister. It kills me that they didn't learn anything from what happened to her. I don't know what else to do. My family has been destroyed.
I don't trust anyone anymore because I'm afraid for my son. I'm terrified that someone will abuse him. In fact, I'm so paranoid that he's never had a babysitter besides my mother in law, and I've never allowed him to go to friend's homes for playdates. I rarely even leave him in the church room for kids when we go to church. He's in preschool, but I insisted that he go to a place with video cameras. I'm so afraid to be away from him that I'm not sending him to the public school where we live because he'd have to ride a school bus due to my work schedule. I'm taking him to a private school near my job so I can visit during his lunch time.
I know this is very unhealthy and I'm trying to change for his sake. I can't live in fear his whole life and keep him from experiencing normal childhood things. I've signed him up for tee ball and I'm trying to make friends with other moms so I can feel more comfortable letting him go places without me. I'm working through it with my husband's help. I've told my son repeatedly that if anyone ever tries to get him to touch them or if they touch him, he should tell me. So many kids don't tell because they're afraid. I told him that he should tell me even if the person lies to him and threatens his family or tells him he'll get in trouble. I told him no matter what or who did it, it wouldn't be his fault and that I love him more than anyone else in the world so he shouldn't hide anything from me. I hope and pray no one hurts him, but if they do I want him to know he can trust me to take care of it.
Looking back, there were so many signs that something was wrong when my sister was little. If someone had intervened when she was a child or if she had gotten help earlier, she might have survived. Parents, pay attention to your kids! People, watch out for the children you know. It amazes me how many people don't believe their kids when they tell. BELIEVE THEM!! Watch for warning signs. No one noticed my sister's warning signs, because we were wealthy and to the outside world, we were a perfect and well respected family. My parents are still trying to keep up the charade, but people know my mom is a drunk. She's been drunk at school functions for my nephew and he's in trouble at school all the time. But my parents have money so they've never expelled him from the private school he attends.
So that's my sad story. I miss the person my sister was every day. I try not to dwell on the life she could have had but it's hard. My cousin is still around; I have to see her at family reunions every couple of years. I want to confront her but my mom would never forgive me if I did. Personally, if my child went thru what my sister did and there was no way to send the abuser to jail, the bitch wouldn't be breathing. I have tried to rid myself of the hate because I know my cousin was abused too. My sister forgave her years ago, but I haven't managed it yet.
I know that my own suffering was nothing compared to what my sister experienced, but ultimately, my whole family was victimized in a sense. It damaged every one of us.
To all the people out there who have survived, God bless you. I hope and pray for you to heal and be able to find happiness. Remember that what happened to you wasn't your fault in any way and you didn't deserve it. Love yourselves and you will find love in return from someone worthy of you. My sister never did.
Thank you for listening.
Posted 02 February 2012 - 10:51 AM
First of all, I'm really sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. I know it's difficult to try to decide how to handle situations like this, especially when both the victim and the abuser are part of your family. I've been there. I think I might jace a different perspective than some others for that reason.
Having said that, I am in complete agreement with TinyMagnolia. That little girl is the victim, and she deserves to have the full support of her family. She should not have to feel as though what she went thru was "experimentation" on the boy's part and she she get over it. I think it sounds like your brothers (regardless of age) are doing BOTH kids a disservice. Abuse victims blame themselves enough as it is. This brave little girl doesnt need to suffer for speaking out. The teenage boy needs serious help to keep him from being a lifetime predator. Studies show that most sexual predators abuse multiple victims before they're caught. It's entirely possible that he's hurt someone else or that his behavior will get worse if he doesn't get help. Maybe it's not too late for him to be rehabilitated. Regardless. I wouldn't want ANY child to be anywhere near him. Ever. Period.
I can tell you what happens when no one speaks up for the victim because that's what happened to my sister. When she finally told my mom, my mom didn't stand up for her against her abuser (who is her niece) and she never took any steps to keep her out of family get togethers. She acted like nothing was wrong. As a result, my sister stopped attending family gatherings altogether when she was a teenager. Now she's dead and the family who found out what happened after she died suffer all the time knowing she felt alone and unwelcome with her own family. Her abuser is still around, and no one has ever held her responsible. But she's an alcoholic and a drug addict who abandoned her own child because no one tried to help her either
It's too late for my family to ever be repaired, but it's not too late for you yet. So many lives have been ruined.