I have PTSD. I have problems.
All of these things, they are not some neat little, lets take them out and show them off and look all hip and cute and with it and rad, kinds of things. Let's put together some posts that will get lots of attention, let's take them out and parade them when it feels convenient.
I have depression.
Ever have depression?
It's like, falling into a huge pit that you can't pull yourself out of. You are just there. There are you are. Stuck. And, if you are lucky, you don't plunge further down into that pit.
If you are lucky, you can eventually climb out of that pit and survive, and go on, and thrive.
If you are lucky, you don't pull the trigger.
That is what depression looks like. What it feels like.
At least, for me.
It's not some game, or some “thing” that you can just blog about, with pretty little pictures accompanied by a set of pretty little words.
Depression is real. Depression is overwhelming. Depression is paralyzing.
Depression is terrifying.
And if there is some kind of expectation that is put upon me, that I will be able to work, to laugh, to shower, to eat, to whatever. To post. If there is some kind of expectation that I can just do that, regardless of how I feel, that any of it can be normal, especially the posting part.
Well, those expectations are insane.
And they aren't fair.
There is a song by Nada Surf...Always Love. The opening lyrics are:
To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice.
I don't agree with that. In particular, in regards to depression.
Depression, at least for me, feels like there is this mountain of my life that I can in no way climb.
And that is not a choice.