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Unsettled...

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 07 January 2013 · 44 views

I started dating someone new. and its now over.... Its always the same thing they never know what they want (which I take that more like they aren't into me...) I feel like a freak of nature I just get so attached easy, and I'm always so willing to give it my all, it just gets harder and harder each time trying to put myself out there... I know what I want and what I am looking for, I'm open and willing to make a commitment and yet though I have notice a pattern often in myself within my dating life. I often sleep with people too fast. I just can't help it. I don't find or understand waiting and honestly I almost never really enjoy it. Because of the abuse that happened as a kid I often can't climax. My muscles don't allow myself to relax and I often think this was cus I was touched so young as a child. Sometimes when I am really intoxicated it is a little bit different. I also have a hard time explaining this to people and even feel like maybe the guy wont want to date me in knowing how much I really don't enjoy it.... Its not hard for me to do it just all the mental stuff that goes on in my head. In addition afterwards, I just start to panic. I panic that I will never hear from him again, I panic at thought of the relationship just being a one night stand. I panic at the thoughts of people judging me for own my sexuality. But I think the worst is the fear of losing the person I want to date. I never slept with a guy with the intention of not having a relationship no matter how soon it was. I hate that guys think or say that girls who sleep with you on a first date are sluttish or they make all the assumptions that you can't be faithful, or don't like you.... Yet I have still been in that place where I give it up in hopes of having a relationship just to be rejected... It makes me feel so bad about myself. I am constantly feeling like am not good enough, or that hes going to find excuse in not wanting to date me rather than giving me a chance. I feel even worse sometimes thinking about the photos that are out there along with the videos, I dont even know where to begin to explain what had happened. Even though The guys I have told have taken it well, I just feel like no ones ganna want to date someone like me, knowing the videos are out there make me feel so worse about myself. Just a hunting and like no guy is going to respect me, even if I didn't know about it, or never wanted stuff like that out there...I still haven't told this person about the charges. This is all so hard for me to do. I am a very open and honest person. but I feel like telling him will end the relationship maybe not, but it just makes me feel so dirty.... I honestly feel like no one really wants to date me anyways, maybe thats part of the reason I give it so easy to, but its completely about showing this person I don't want to loss them. Yet I feel like the one intimate act you can give someone doesn't even feel intimate anyone... I hate myself... I hate who I am, and who I have grown to be... I was never like this, It was never this bad until the last time I was raped... Until I met him.



July 2014

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