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Living a Double Life

Posted by tamjohn70 , 27 September 2013 · 257 views

I feel like I am living a double life. The real me is unable to come out or basically I wont let her come out because the reality is who really cares. Why make everyone uncomfortable with my crazy. Hell I am barely dealing with it myself.

Sometimes I want to scream and express what is really going on in my head. I look at people when they are talking or giving the fake "I care about you", "I want to be there to support you", "I love you". They really don't it is just easy and automatic to say those things to people.

I walk around smiling and laughing, really crying, screaming and slowly dying. Living this double life is really starting to wear me out. I wish I could open up to my T more then I do. Feeling alone. Tired of always thinking about taking my life. Next week will be the anniversary of my last suicide attempt.

I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING HEARD AND LISTENED TO AND NOT DISMISSED OR IGNORED. Hell I can't stand the sound of my own voice, guess I get it. I would not listen to me.



WOW!!! This post really resonated with me, I have been saying those exact words for the last year when the effects of my abuse really start interfering with my life! I too have "contemplated" taking my life and have told myself it would make everyone happier to not have to listen to my drama or my cope with my drinking that had spiraled out of control this last year. I am glad you did not succeed in your attempt! You deserve and have the right to heal as we all have the right to take back control of our lives and not let our perps win! They have already taken enough from us! Do Not Give Them Your Life as well! I hope this helps?!?! :metoyou:

WOW!!! This post really resonated with me, I have been saying those exact words for the last year when the effects of my abuse really start interfering with my life! I too have "contemplated" taking my life and have told myself it would make everyone happier to not have to listen to my drama or my cope with my drinking that had spiraled out of control this last year. I am glad you did not succeed in your attempt! You deserve and have the right to heal as we all have the right to take back control of our lives and not let our perps win! They have already taken enough from us! Do Not Give Them Your Life as well! I hope this helps?!?! :metoyou:/>



RailGirl thank you it does. It is hard at times to just breath. This week has been really hard because I am allowing myself to open up to my memories to go forward with healing. I am not a talker, my voice was silenced along time ago. You might understand that at times it gets hard to keep everything in but don't have anyone to express it to. I really want to go home, crawl into a ball and cry all day. Not an option for me. Too many people depending on me to get things done. On top of that I just started working on my MBA so I do not want to let people down. Thank you
I feel like I just read something that I have been wanting to post here. Thank you for sharing this because you are not the only one who thinks this. It sucks. One minute you want to just scream/tell it but end up smiling and acting like everything is okay. I have also been having these same thoughts too about telling my T and the whole "how do I summarize it all," etc. But, from the support I have received on Pandys, someone once told me that as long as you know the truth then it will all fall into place eventually.


Something my T did tell me and I find it helpful is to express these emotions in writing like a journal. I started writing at a young age wrote to "deal" with these emotions that I suppressed/still do.



Take care of yourself. I have been trying my best to see that it WILL get better. Or when getting bad stress/anxiety/fear, I try my best to think of the "good" stuff like dreams and being able to accomplish goals.
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homesickalien
Sep 27 2013 05:07 PM
Thanks for posting. I needed to hear this today. Sending you strength.

-alien
I am so glad that people responded. I do not feel so crazy now. I do not belong to a support group, when I find others who have gone through abuse it seems we tend to bring each other down worse. Posting has allowed me to release. Living a Double Life is exhausting and protecting others when I want to be protected. I go to T on Wednesday, considering telling her everything I do. From posting on here, twitter and the suicidal thoughts I have.

Thank you all for the support and understanding.

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