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How do I detail on paper all the ways this has changed my life? How do I find the words to determine just what his assult has cost me.
I know about breaking it in to the three sections (emotional, financial, physical) but the question is what goes where? Is the loss of my virginity a physical harm, or is it emotional. Do I figure out the cost of having a light on every night as finacial or do I chalk it up to emotional. Are the sleep disturbances physical or emotional? And the questions go on and on...
Then there are the harder ones; is the damge to the relationships with my parents part of the fall-out or was the damage something that pre-existed, I don't even know any more. Did this crap contribute to my PPD or would it have happened any way? And where do I put the loss of friends that happened when I moved to a unkown city, with an unlisted phone number; to escape my attackers stalking?
And this is just some of what runs through my head every time I think about starting my statment. The other big part is the fear.
The overwhelming mind-numbing, gut-churning fear. the fear of how much it will hurt to detail the damage. The fear that going into all of this will send me back into flash-backs. That just when I am starting to feel like myself again, my balance will be ripped away from under me. The fear that now that I am finally getting comfortable with physical intamacy again, I will need to pull back once more.
I do know that I need to do this, that what I finally do say in my VIS may have a big impact on any possible sentece. And I do know that this might be my one chance to get all of this out, to really stand up and say this was wrong, and this is what you did. My chance to say that his actions did more damage than he would ever addmit.
But I begin to think that that this will be my chance to aknowlage just how much stronger I have become. How far I have traveled from those darkest first days. How I have not let him continue to damage me and how capable I am of making possitive change.
So maybe this VIS won't be as bad as I think. That maybe I will feel better about me after I write it rather than worse. That by trully catologing all the ways in which he harmed me I will see just how far I have really come
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