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Day 101: There are Two Sides to the Window

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 21 March 2014 · 108 views

Mar. 21, 2014 (30 Days Into Becoming):
 
In my T appointment yesterday my T pointed out a dichotomy in my behavior and perspective about invisibility. On the one hand, I am invisible because of societal mores and strictures related to mental health issues. But I am also invisible because I have had so many people wound me that I keep a wall carefully in place to separate/protect myself. I was thinking about this conversation this morning and realized it's back to that idea of the window. In order to be visible, both sides of the window need to be clear (or at least sufficiently clear). One side is the dirt society throws onto the window. On the other side is the dirt I place there.
 
I am invisible on both counts.
 
I am not at the point yet I can contend with society's side of the window. But, I can and am beginning to deal with my side of the window. This topic is, again, about vulnerability. It's about letting people see me for who I am. It's about learning how to have relationships in a way that feels sufficiently safe, while also having the tools to deal with other people's bungling. Other people can't get it 100% right. I certainly cannot. I need to be able to accept and address the small mistakes others make (the disappointments), or I will always be invisible because of my fear of devastation and betrayal.
 
They can't see me if I don't let them. I must be at the point that I want to be seen.
 
I have taken several steps in this direction that indicate this is true:
  • I joined Pandy's and have opened up completely. It's sometimes mortifying and scary, but always proves to be worth it. I feel safe here and heard. I feel seen and comforted. That's not to say every interaction has been exactly what I needed or wanted, but certainly the majority have been. When I think about the sad statistics about how many people have SA in their history, I realize -- rationally speaking -- that the people here in Pandy's also live in the real world. The kindness, compassion, understanding, and support here exists IRL because everyone here exists IRL. It's a matter, now, of learning how to find people, how to connect, how to open up.
  • I am inching along in T. I am opening up to her slowly, hesitantly.
  • I told some people at work what's going on with me. I even admitted that I'm going to be late to work on Thursdays because of T.
I am beginning to clear my side of the window. I don't know how long it will take. Maybe, at some point I'll just go out an buy a new window!
 



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yarnfoolishness
Mar 22 2014 05:32 PM

I like your analogy. It gives a better description of the things that serve to isolate us, the inner and outer things.

 

You're doing so well. You're brave and intelligent and determined. I learn from your posts, and I'm grateful to you for sharing.

 

:metoyou:

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FinallyHere
Mar 22 2014 08:11 PM
All I can say to this is yes! You are doing it. The really tough stuff that leads to human connectedness. It's inspiring.
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intrepidshe
Mar 22 2014 08:43 PM

Thanks, Yarn and FH! If only wishes were changes, eh? Someday though.

I agree with FinallyHere- you are doing it!   

 

Some awesome, kick ass work you are doing Intrepid. 

 

Your post really makes me think a lot about my own struggle with this topic.  The HOW and WHEN and WHO of being vulnerable. I struggle with how to be vulnerable but also strong in my self protection.  I don't want to just be vulnerable to say I am being vulnerable- like it's some check-box that I need to have checked off in order to say I am healed.   I think it's important to also be sensible and safe while finding the people that I can be vulnerable with.   I like how it seems like you've picked groups or key folks in your life to test the waters with.  I think that's how it needs to be done- both to make progress and learn how to do it, but also for self protection. 

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intrepidshe
Mar 22 2014 09:44 PM

I agree with FinallyHere- you are doing it!   

 

Some awesome, kick ass work you are doing Intrepid. 

 

Your post really makes me think a lot about my own struggle with this topic.  The HOW and WHEN and WHO of being vulnerable. I struggle with how to be vulnerable but also strong in my self protection.  I don't want to just be vulnerable to say I am being vulnerable- like it's some check-box that I need to have checked off in order to say I am healed.   I think it's important to also be sensible and safe while finding the people that I can be vulnerable with.   I like how it seems like you've picked groups or key folks in your life to test the waters with.  I think that's how it needs to be done- both to make progress and learn how to do it, but also for self protection. 

 

I really like what you said, "I don't want to just be vulnerable to say I am being vulnerable- like it's some check-box that I need to have checked off in order to say I am healed."

 

That's so right on. I have noticed each step toward vulnerability for me has been in response to a deep need and it has been a response I've carefully considered.

 

You're exactly right about selecting folks with whom to test the waters. I hadn't thought of that way. But that's exactly it.

 

Thanks!

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

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