*TW for abuse* Memories
My mom, dad, older sister (who was 9), and I were living somewhere. My mom had started using heroin. My dad was working, but at one point he went back home (another state), I think. They were fighting a lot. I don't know, but my mom, sister, and I stayed where we were. One night I got up because I was scared or something and went in my parents' room. It was dark and two people were laying in bed. I assumed it was my mom and dad. I kissed my mom (or thought it was her), but it turned out to be another man. They woke up and my mom told me he was a hitchhiker.
I remember being left at a neighbors house at night while my mom went somewhere and didn't like it. It was dark and we just had to watch tv.
Something happened where my mom's parents had my sister and I for a few months. When they brought us back, they made us choose who we wanted to go with. My sister chose them and I was having a hard time deciding. I wanted to go with my sister, but I wanted to be with my mom too. They rushed me by counting down from 5. I chose my mom. I didn't know that I wouldn't see my sister for 13 years. Thinking about it makes me get teary eyed.
My mom and I moved in with her boyfriend (the guy in the bed, we'll call him Jim). It was horrible. At this time my parents were going through a divorce and my dad didn't know where I was or something. I don't know, this is what irritates me. Anyway, my mom and Jim were both addicted to heroin. I remember seeing needles everywhere. They would paint houses to make money and would take me along. I would catch a bunch of frogs (even to this day if I'm outside and catch a wiff of that froggy smell I go back to this time). One day they were painting a house and I met a little girl. I asked if I could go play with her on a tree swing. Jim said yes. I now wonder if that little girl was real or not, we didn't speak, just smiled at each other while I played on the swing. Then, Jim was screaming for me. I was terrified and ran back. He was livid, asking where I was. I told him I was playing with the girl and that I had asked him. He said that I didn't ask and beat me.
We had pet chinchillas and one bit my thumb. Later on, Jim cut their heads off in front of me.
He was always yelling and unpredictable. I always thought he was going to kill me. One day we went on this walk. There was a wooded area above the highway. Looking down at the highway, there were steep rock walls. There was a perfect bottle sized hole a ways down and Jim wanted me to take a bottle and try to drop it into the hole. I remember knowing he was going to push me from the cliff onto the highway and I would be dead. Surprisingly, he didn't. Although, later on as a child, I sometimes wish he had. I don't know what the point of all that was, but whatever.
Jim was abusive. I don't remember any sexual abuse, but there was physical/psychological abuse. It was fall, leaves were in the pool. He would make me get in the deep end and hold onto the side until he came back out to get me. I didn't know how to swim and it was freezing. He would also put me in a room (maybe it was a closet?) with no light or windows. I don't know how long I would be in there. I remember him saying to my mom that they should "just get rid of me", which at 5, I believed that meant kill me.
They put me in kindergarten. I always thought my mom would just leave me there one day and never come back. I never played or tried the things the other kids were doing. I would sit on a swing and look at the dirt at my feet. I was terrified to ask the teachers if I could use the bathroom and would often wet myself. Then I would be scared to tell them that.
At some point when I was 5, my dad got custody of me and came to get me. He said I smelled bad and I looked like I had been neglected. We moved to the town I live in today. He would work during the day and I would stay with a babysitter. I just sat on a rock outside all day looking down the driveway waiting for him to get back...thinking he was never going to come back. He always did and he's been there for me all these years. I had horrible night terrors until I was 13 and I've never had high self-esteem or confidence. I was always depressed growing up, but would act like I was happy and fine.
I saw my mom a few times between the ages of 5 and 7, but then she just disappeared. She would call on my birthday sometimes or say she was on her way to see me, but as I would be sitting in the driveway waiting, my dad would come out and tell me she called and said she wasn't coming.
I'm 22 now and haven't seen her in 15 years. We talk on FB, text, and call eachother occasionally. She's clean now and lives down south. I like her, she gives good advice and is really funny. I'm a lot like her too. While I'm not ready to see her in person, I enjoy the slowly growing friendship we have. My issue is that sometimes I get stuck in that 5 year old thinking and I want my mom from before everything happened. It's hard to explain. I want the nurturing, caring, mom. I don't know, maybe because that's the person I knew and wanted.
Recently, I asked her if she would tell me everything that happened, from her point of view. She said she would and whenever I was ready, she would tell me. I want to know her version, but I don't want her to say anything about my dad. He said he was never abusive or cheated on her and I believe him. From what she says, something did happen, but it would be very confusing to hear that. My dad never even spanked me growing up. He was patient, understanding, fun, caring, and fair. He's always been my rock, to this day. I have an awesome relationship with him. I don't think he would lie to me. I also don't want to hear her cry. I have some tough questions and I don't want to upset her.
Going through this has taught me what NOT to do as a mother. I don't have children, but when I do, I'm going to do everything I can to be there and make sure they're happy and protected. I'm not angry with my mom anymore, I now understand what addiction can make a person do. I know that she loved my sister and I throughout everything.
This is all jumbled up and I'm scatterbrained today. I've talked to my therapist a bit about this and although I feel a little sad, I'm glad I could share this on here.