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The hard part....since my stepfather's visit the last week especially more so the last few days I can't stop thinking about all the r's and everything. I've pushed this all back for so long never felt it at all before just pushed it back behind that closed locked door now all the memories and images from years ago are flooding back. I don't know if it was all the years of drinking and doing drugs all day everyday and being clean and sober the last few years with my husband but I never had to ever think about the attacks again until now. This hurts so bad I just hurt and I can't believe it's not my fault I never asked for any of this to happen and I do that logical part of me says it's not my fault but I just can't believe it there must have been something wrong with me even tho there isnt but this is the internal fight I've been having.
I see all their faces, I remember every time it happened and now it seems like so many different times so many different places...too many why? I don't know...I know it wasn't right to start stripping at 13 now in life but when I was younger I got encouraged by my stepfather to get into that line of work and I grew up watching my mom prostitute herself for drugs so I thought its not prostitution at all its just stripping and I got into it never thinking about anything at 13 I already felt long dead inside and I never knew what it could be like to feel somethings like I do now with my husband and I still have a long way to go but I just didn't know how to feel or I just didn't feel...anything but really hostility at the world...every night I used to use until I passed out and I always used to say please take me tonight please don't let me wake up and I would wake up and get so made and try the same thing over again everynight I have had 17 alcohol poisionings that I had to go to the ER for and many overdoses and one that I actually died and was pronounced a DOA at the hospital and they shocked me and when I didn't come back they left me and somehow my heart started beating and I started breathing after a few minutes of being dead....and now I don't have anything to hide behind it's like I'm realizing that I have to see these things that happened not not ever think about them again like I thought I could...I'm so young really I'm 25 and maybe getting thru all of this I won't feel so old...I'm tired of the emotional stress and the physical pain and now that I have to really admit that things have happened it is really hard not to think all day about what happened. I mean I still had a great day having family over but like when they were over I did catch myself thinking "do they see me as different from them" and "am I being normal" when I know it sounds weird it's what I'm thinking now like "Do I look like I've been you know".....I dunno just having trouble I guess there a little.
I don't know I just want the pictures to stop but if I push it back it'll just be more not dealing with it and I don't want that I want to feel whole and good and happy with all of me...
and I had my husband take a few pics of me after all that's been going on this week and even with my eating disorders and everything I've always seen myself as soo horribly overweight even tho now I'm in the single digits I still have an issue with myself and today I have to say I think I've made some progress there I still wasn't thrilled but today was the first day looking over the pictures that I could say a few good things about myself along with seeing some things that I could improve on I did see a few good things and it felt really good in a way.
I still have a lot to process but it's definitely getting more intense mentally and harder to go on to do things and focus without thinking about everything and trying not be unemotional either it's so just intense..I'm getting worried a little I'm scared I'm more scared about dealing with my emotions and what happened now then I did when I was young and I know I experienced CSA and maybe that's why but this is the first time I feel vunerable like a kid I guess as an adult..sounds strange but that's kind of how I feel right now...unsure hurt not sure to cry or just keep going...