[ursula]

I must admit it never occurred to me to feel guilty. I was too busy being angry.

Triggers - lots of them

I blocked my CSA from my memory for over 20 years, only vaguely recalling that something happened whenever I was stumped by my own behaviour. When it did come back it was far to late to consider doing anything about it, combined with my memory being full of gaps and no ability whatsoever to figure out how old I was in any of my memories. In my memory, my life starts when I was 9 with odd flashbacks to another movie. My older brother was one of the abusers and my mother refuses to entertain any notion that I know what I'm talking about. I suspect that he abused one of my nieces... someone sure did. And the only thing I could do was to start talking about my abuse loudly so he'd get scared. I think it worked.

When I was 16 my boyfriend raped me at a party. We were both on acid. He asked a guy outside of the room for a knife but the guy said no. Potentially that makes him a witness. My boyfriends best friend. Not good for me. Also not good for me that about 10 people saw me making out with him earlier and saw me walk into the room with him. On my side would be that I had a scab running the length of my spine for a week or two after that night until it peeled off. As I said, I was on acid. Where's my case?

When I was 33 I went to a friend's house for dinner and "civilised conversation" as I had requested for the evening plans. Expected to leave early in the evening. His house. No witnesses. I had two martinis which I figure later were either triples or contained a drug. Woke up tied to his bed. Miraculously got away with it just being assault and not rape. This one is one I wanted to report. My boyfriend (on and off) who lived with the guy asked me to drop it. Told me I should have known better. History: I had engaged in a threesome with the both of them many months earlier. My boyfriend, if pressed, would have testified against me.

When I was 34 I suffered a back injury and was an invalid for about a month. I used a bar stool to get around my house as I couldn't walk. My employer, whom I had been dating and was breaking up with, brought my cheque to the house for me. I was making coffee. When my back spasmed I leaned over the stool. He raped me from behind... but was kind enough to pull my pants up again when he was done. I almost pressed charges until it became evident that he would tell them I had not done my job properly and he had brought me my last cheque. Claiming the rape charges were backlash for being fired. So I'd also lose the $2000 they still owed me... and he's the type to sue for slander if I lost the case.


Guilt? I never had a chance at winning. None of them.
I did however, find a way to get the last asshole fired and cost him $18 000. Better than nothing.


I have a lot of admiration for the women that put themselves at such risk to see justice done. I wish justice was done more often. You all deserve better.

This post has been edited by ursula: 27 November 2007 - 01:35 AM

[SweetSangria]

we're never responsible for assholes that rape. i know that many women feel guilt for not pressing charges but it is simply not our guilt to bear if this person goes on to offend. any offence prior to us and after us is their responsibility.

that said, i felt guilty for a long time for not bringing particularly my stepfather to justice for what he did. but when i considered the odds, they were stacked way in the favour of him. a police officer of considerable standing and me a teenage runaway. who would have been believed? police always stick up for their own. i also had very little evidence to back up my story. but it is something i've made peace with now and have had to in order to heal.

[ScribeGirl13]

The first time it happened, I tried to tell someone. No one would listen. I was laughed at and I was called a liar by my mother. I was five at the time.

The second time; I didn't bother to report it, even though it was someone else that time.

The third time, the person responsible tried to have me commited to a mental institution for 'outlandish acusations'.

And then it was my boyfriend who I lived with; and I had no other friends nor a support system.

The next time, I didn't think I could report being raped by a woman; as I myself am female. I didn't know if it still counted. ((Does it?))

The last time, I decked the man who tried. Broke his nose, in three places and a knuckle in my right hand. The violence didn't solve anything, though I did get away. ^_^/> A plus, I suppose. But I really wish I didn't have to hit him.



I probably won't report them. I don't know if it would change anything. And while they may or may not do what they did to me to someone else; the statue of limitations has expired on three of them so what difference would it make?

I feel guilty; but at the same time, whenever I tried to tell someone before, they didn't believe me. And when I try to get help, things go from bad to worse.

I called a local help center in Tampa and the woman said that it would be 90 dollars since I wasn't a "high risk" case. So because I'm not going to kill myself I have to pay 90 bucks? I don't have that money. I don't have ANY money to spare. What the hell?

This post has been edited by ScribeGirl13: 16 April 2008 - 03:55 PM

[Anyas_fits]

This thread really speaks to me. I was r*ped not even a week ago. I haven't told a soul. I feel responsible for not going to the cops sooner... but I hate cops. And he was gone so fast, I didn't even have time. I don't understand.

[Persephone]

I didn't tell about the first perp (he raped me twice) but I wish I had. The last time I was hurt I did go to the police. I didn't expect anything to be done about it given the way the detective treated me, but I wanted to start a paper trail just in case they did it to someone else.

[sch3645]

thank you guys so much.. this is my first post and i spent all night reading topic after topic and it has really helped me.. i was raped about a month ago at the age of 17 and it was the worst experience of my life.. and i've been working on my recovery going to a therapist, which is really hard for me because i HATE to talk about how i feel and i love to bottle things up, so im really proud of myself and my therapist has been beyond amazing.. i'm suffering from ptsd and other emotional issues and for a few weeks after i couldn't eat at all and i'm finally begining to eat again and life is getting back to normal..for the most part. i leave for a college in a week which is something exciting and getting my mind off of it.. anyways though these posts have helped me out in so many ways because one of the main things i was struggling with was what to do, as in whether to report it or not... my therapist asks me everytime i'm there if i plan on reporting him and i say no which she backs but i know my mother and sister really want me to come forward because they want the person who did it to get help and not be able to do it to someone else.. and i knew the guy who did it and i was friends with him and he is friends with all the people i grew up with.. however he has moved away and lives somewhere else where i don't know but he was back visiting when he did it... but just knowing if i made the right decision of not reporting it has been very tough.. i have nightmares that he is doing it to other people and that it is all my fault and i know it isn't but it is.. but its been very helpful to read your posts and know that other people are feeling the same way and are confused just like i am.. for those of you who have reported it and put his ass in jail i am SOO proud of you and you inspire me so much.. and for those of you like me who are struggling with the decision just remember how amazing you are for surviving what happened and that no matter what you do just being able to deal and cope with what happened and survive is amaizng and i look up to you becuase everyone in this group has inspired me to deal with what is going on and are helping me over come it.. i love you all so much you are amazingg :)/>

This post has been edited by sch3645: 28 August 2008 - 08:12 AM

[enraged2009]

I will start off my first post on this newly joined forum in the You didn't report it section as I have finally decided to share my experiences albeit pretty anonymously.
When I was a young (about 4-6 years old) I was molested by my older cousin who is 8 1/2 years older than me. (that would have made him 12-14 years old) I don't recall much about all that happened but I have flashes of things that a young girl should have not had to remember.
My parents divorced when I was 3 years old leaving my mother a 23 year old single mom and scared to death. She tried to make it on her own, paying a home mortgage, all the utilities, while working as a newly hired nurse at a hospital (for those who know new nurses tend to get the crappy schedules) plus raising a pretty mellow 3 year old child. She would drop me off at my grandparents house most days so a babysitter wasn't really too much an issue.
When I was about 4 years old she met my step-father and he stayed over most nights after about 8 months of dating. He was young, bold, and manly but terrified of kids. He tried his hand at watching me while my mom worked, I am sure that he did fine as he turned out to be quite a dad later on in my life, and finally suggested we move in with my mother's sister and her boyfriend (who was his buddy) in a house together to save money. Sounded simple enough right? The deal was set and the house was rented.
I don't remember much about it as I was so little but I do remember I shared a room with one of my male cousin's. This cousin was about 1 1/2 years older than me and my best friend in the world. His older brother had his own room, my mom and stepdad had theirs and my aunt and her boyfriend had theirs.
I don't remember a time line so I can't really say if the abuse started right after moving in with them or after a time. Flashes of memories come to me to this day as if I am watching a tv screen through currents of water tumbling down a drain. Blurry then clear then blurry then clear. Most of what I remember is having fun with bunny rabbits and dogs and playing hide and go seek but the blurry images are of my older cousin being left as a babysitter and giving me baths everytime my mother would leave us alone. Another blurry almost out of body image of me watching from behind him laying my little body down on the bed and me asking "Do you want me to not put on panties again?" Blurry images of him having me lay beside him on a couch covering us with an afghan to slip his hand down my pants while watching Scooby Doo on tv. Flashes of his younger brother being in the room watching also come to me as well.
I can say I do not ever remember any penetration with anything other than his fingers.
I recall laying on the couch one time begging and crying to my mother to put desitin on my "poopie" because it hurt taking my panties off and pointing to the affected area. This particular memory plagues me as everytime I think of it it is always taking place in the house we lived before we moved in with my cousins but I have no recollections of anyone else touching me inappropriately.
I remember times when my mother would tell me to take my hands out of my pants and to not touch my private parts or her not being able to understand why I would never have underwear on under my pjs or would fight her to put them on when she was getting me ready for school.
I can say that these events do not really invoke fear in me as I never remember being afraid of him even when he did have his hands down my pants. I do later in life have a violated feeling when thinking of these events and wished I did or could find the guts to "out him" to the family. I do know without a doubt that I wouldn't be believed by the majority of my family and these events have lived longer than the statute of limitations so no criminal charges can be filed. So I almost get a feeling of why bother to even bring it up? My only fear is that he may have done the same to my little sisters or his daughters or even the kids that his wife babysits.
He is supposed to be a reformed changed Christian who has accepted Christ into his life but has recently morphed back into the pot smoking alcoholic he used to be. Maybe his behavior change is what prompted my tightrope walk down the path of seriously thinking of reporting him. In my quest to heal myself I do not want to ruin this man's life for the things he did as a child but on the other hand if I find he has done the same or worse to other children how will I feel that I didn't report him then? I hope for his sake that if he has truly become a man of God that he has sincerely asked Jesus to forgive him. Because as Jesus did say "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because of offences!" I have opened up to my husband and bestfriend who are wonderful supports for me. I guess time will tell as to the actions I will need to take to get myself centered. I am 31 years old now and still cry as I think of those times and events that stripped me of my innocence so many years ago.

[lou_84]

My thoughts are on two levels. On a rational, objective basis, I don't think we can ever take responsibility for someone else's actions. Even if we give someone step-by-step instructions, they make the choice to follow them. Many of us know what it's like to act through fear or threat or actual violence/force but I don't think we can apply any of that to rapists or abusers. They're the ones who inflict the violence. They're responsible for their own actions, whether or not we report what they've done to us. We're just as powerless over whether they attack someone else as we were when they attacked us.

On a less rational, subjective basis, I think I would feel responsible if I found out any of my perps had hurt someone else. I know I'd never forgive myself, I'd always wonder whether it would have happened if I'd said something. The fear that my dad would abuse another child led me to report him 2 years ago. No charges were brought because there wasn't enough evidence. He did lose his job though, where he had contact with children. He learned I wasn't going to keep quiet any longer and I'm not afraid of him any more. The guy who raped me when I was 12 was the son of someone my dad worked with. I didn't tell anyone because I thought I'd get into trouble or wouldn't be believed. I guess I saw it as him being an ignorant, hormone-driven teenager rather than a rapist. I don't think I even realised a 15 year old could be a rapist. Even though he threatened me with a knife so I'd keep quiet...he's a paramedic now. Would I feel responsible if he attacked someone else? Hell yeah.

The last time I was raped was after a night out at uni, we'd spent most of the night talking and drinking, people had seen us laughing and having a good time. If I accused him of rape, no one would have believed me - least of all the police. It's the misconstrued 'girl has a few drinks, goes too far with a guy then cries rape' stereotype that defense lawyers latch onto faster than fruitflies on a rotten banana.

Either way, I guess it doesn't matter whether we're actually responsible. Point is we feel it, however hard we try to tell ourselves otherwise. And it doesn't help that so few reports result in trials or convictions, that we're made out to be the perps and the perps made out to be victims. Who can blame us for not reporting when it'd more than likely end up with us being hurt even more than we are already?

[strongsarah]

I tried to report it but it did no good, the police did not even listen to me. I know he will get away with it and that is the hardest part.

[astralvigilante]

I had no idea that it was actually rape until 3 years after it happened and Kansas doesn't prosecute a woman raping another woman as RAPE. So...reporting it would have been pretty useless for me.

[flower]

I joined this site 2 years ago. I don't remember posting anything. I guess I posted once, and then never came back. It's two years later and I still feel exactly as I did then - guilty.

 flower, on 26 November 2007 - 11:37 PM, said:

I still feel guilty.

[thelittleone]

I carried years of guilt. Always thinking anyone "he" hurt after me was all my fault.

I was carrying a burden that wasn't mine. Don't do this to yourself! Walk lighter and care for yourself.

[littlelion]

hmm i did report it, but i didnt want to but they said if i didnt id be responsible if he did it to someone again, the police to told me that in ways like " how would you feel if he did it to someone else" my aunty came straight out and said that it would be on my head if he did it to someone else! so guess what i reported it! then i didnt want to tell my parents i would have told someonwe else i would have got support but i just didnt want to tell my parents, but that write was takin away from when i was 15 i had been in a childs phyciatric hospital for depresson mood disorder and a diferent supressed sexual abuse when i was 9. so they looked me up and told me they were telling my parents if i liked it or not, and they werent very nice about it! so my parents know and that was horrible oh that was worse than horrile i hated it and now anytime i ever do something wrong they bring that up and stick it in my face, actually no they did now i think theyve just forgotten.
abywho so i reported i didnt want to tel my parents they were told i was takin to a hospital and they did stuff to me to get evidence that i think was worse than the actual rape, ahh i havent actually got to talkinng about what actual happened so maybe not. i dont even now if ive blocked it out if ive just moved on or if actullly i havent a clue
at the start i was instistant that it wasnt my fault but everyone was saying it was even though they didnt kow the story. but now i think maybe it was? maybe it didnt happen? maybe im the guilty one
anyway so i reported it then a year later they tell me DPP have decided not to bring it to court and thats it noting more they can do because it his word against mine! so then i think of sueing but then my parents decide to get seperated, decide tonot like me anymore, and copletly forget, its all coming up again and i dont like it, i dont have time to deal with it now though i have to get my portfollio in for college, i have no suport



ok bbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr calm down... im angry and now paniced i think i might need to stop
no what i really need is to cry.... but fat chance of that happening
grrr i hate this, sorry for writing so much... sorry! thanks for this place being here! sorry for the terrible spelling i cant spell at all!

[LittleMockingbird]

Thanks to everyone who posted here. I really appreciate it. Ive been trying to deal with this guilt lately and its nice to know that others understand how I feel. <3

[welshspirit]

i was sexually assaulted over a twelve hour period. i couldnt fight back as my two young children where asleep upstairs. i kept trying to keep him calm and talk my way out of it. trying to persuade him to stop. i didnt report it because i believed that the police would bring social services in for being so stupid as to trust him and allow him into my home. i hid away from family and friends for days untill the bruises had gone. slso i didnt report it because. three years before i had reported my brother to the police for abusing me when i was fifteen. they tried to twist everything and place the blame on me even threatened me with prison for incest. and threatened to do blood tests on my daughter to check that my brother was not her father. the assault was five years before my daughter was born. they did apologise to me and i know that this would not happen these days. but it fuelled my fear of reporting it.