There is such a big part of me that doesn't want to go on. There is such a big part of me that doesn't want to do anymore healing.
I am so tired.
It is painful to even write all of that, and to have to think about it. And feel it.
But the way it is with me right now, and I need to write it, no matter how painful, is that I don't want to go on. I don't want to heal. Everything inside of me is screaming right now that I just want to be left alone. That I just don't want to go on.
A big part of me right now doesn't want to even exist.
I am really struggling with that right now. I am really struggling with wanting to even be on this planet.
And struggling like that fills me with all sorts of dread, and anxiety, and anger.
I keep trying, trying so hard, to see things any other way. But in the end, it all comes back to that one thought and feeling: I don't want to be alive.
The stress I feel every day. I can't handle work. I can't handle much of any of my daily functionings. I go through the motions, and every day it is a struggle to keep myself from running away or hiding under my covers.
My physical health is not good. I did “too much” yesterday, but no more than I used to do two months ago. And last night, and for most of today, I have had moments close to agony. But, I saw my primary care doc on Thursday, and she alluded to some of what I feel being in my head.
All of that, everything, makes me want to say, I give up.
Instead, I just wallow in this depression and misery that has enveloped me and that cloaks me like the darkest night on the brightest day.